Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth

💖This is so beautiful💖

This was written about me by someone that knows and loves me. 
My sweet, sweet friend

  • Interviewed for The Project TV show Featured on stuff.co.nz news
  • Guest speaker on Mike Kings “The Nutters Club” Newstalk ZB radio show
  • Guest speaker at ‘Empowering Women’ event in Hamilton, New Zealand
  • Headliner in NZ magazines
  • Lost 44kg (97lbs) in 9 months
  • Mental health advocate

Impressive, right? Written down, bulleted, and, although its just naming a few of your achievements, it looks amazing; your journey. I’m so proud of you. Theres no other story I enjoy hearing, revisiting, and, learning from, than yours; my sweet, sweet friend. My sister. My “shell”.

It wasn’t always this impressive though, was it my friend. I was there before you blossomed. I sat with you in what you saw as darkness. In that darkness. . .you blinded your mind from seeing how much light you were illuminating. 

I could see it, in full force. You inspired me. You still inspire me. When people tell you that your journey is inspiring…believe them. You still, in some ways, sit in the dark. . .
thats okay to.

Blossomed into a beautiful rose, the beauty of your becoming has gone unnoticed. How you came to blossom has never been told. From your soil, to your roots, to the stem of you, right down to the bud opening up. No one else got to see that, but me; the rose next to you. 

I saw you as the thorn on the rose, with that tough, hard, prickled exterior; you didn’t want anyone to touch you, come near you, or see you. You wanted to be that thorn though, didn’t you? You wanted to be the thorn. The thorn is what you thought protected you from predators.

But you didn’t really want to be the thorn that pricked everyone that came into contact with you, did you? My sweet, sweet friend. No. You wanted to be the rose that everyone admired, picked and loved so much. 
You didn’t realise in order to become the rose, you needed to see yourself as that beautiful rose, because you already were…that beautiful rose; you were growing into that beautiful rose.

 From the rose next to you, you could never see the shape of you, the mould of you, even the shape of the base of your thorn was soft and smooth. 
Beauty can be found in everything.

You, the thorn, sprung from a pillar of strength, a towering giant, your stem; the center of what made you, you. 

I also saw your roots. Your roots that became the thorn and the stem. I saw the core of you. At the core of you, I saw the richness of your soil. I saw how beautifully spanned your roots were and how those roots just needed nutrients, love and patience in developing. 

Your journey…though not seen by many, has such depth. Your roots, deep. Although they were tangled, with that bit of time, patience, love and the right nutrients, your roots detangled, one by one and spread like a fire. You became deep rooted, and gave birth to the beautiful rose you are today. 

Life would just so have it, that for a while, while we grew, that we would just so happen to share the same plot of soil for a while. I can’t thank you enough, as the rose next to you, for enriching my roots, and my soil. You helped me grow with all your nutrients, even though you didn’t know you were at the time. I’m glad I shared that soil, with you. 

The center of you always stood tall, it grew to be a giant! You towered above me in your growth and I looked up to your growth. That’s all I could see…was growth.  I admired how tall you stood. You always have stood out from all the rest! So proud of you! 

Love you always. Never stop blooming! 

We really do have the best friendship. 

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Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking

??????

What is it that you like about yourself. 

Here is some of the things that I love about myself: 

  • I love that I am a loving person.
  • I love that I am good at photography.
  • I love how strong I am.
  • I love that I can feel pain (I know that this probably sounds crazy, but here is why, I love that I can feel pain because “pain” has grown me so much, I would not be the person that I am now, if it were not for being able to feel all the pain that I have been able to feel even when it is bloody hard. 
  • I love that I can accept myself for me.
  • I love that I can enjoy life.
  • I love that I have an amazing family. (Both blood and non blood)
  • I love that I walk
  • I love that I am fun
  • I love that I have become something that my family is proud of.
  • I am love what I have become.
    Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success

    Guest speaker

    Not very many people knew that I was going to be a guest speaker last Wednesday (19.7.17) I did not tell many people for a few reasons, being scared of judgement, being scared of letting people down ect, not even my family knew that I was speaking.

    My brother came to this event, not knowing that I was going to be speaking, he found out about 10minutes before the event started, I am so glad that he attended the event, he told me that I should have told him that I was speaking because he almost did not come, yes I agree I should have told him, but I let the fear get the better of me.

    It was so scary but also really amazing there were over 120 people come to this event, it was a really good event and I am so blessed and thankful that I was able to be apart of it.

    My brother message me the morning after to tell me that he was really proud of me and that my other brother and dad were also very proud of me, I cried reading that, I have been such a disappointment to my family for most of my life, and now I have changed that.

    Picture above is my brother and I

    Picture below is all the speakers from the event.

    Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Open, Sharing, Strength, Success

    I use to pretend to be happy

    I can now sit here and honestly say I was a professional masker, people would tell me how happy I looked, and how I was always so positive, but the honest truth is that it is not always the way, on the inside there was world war 3 going on, it was so hard, but I did not want anyone to see what was going on for me, I was embarrassed and felt so ashamed, but there was nothing to feel that way about, everyone that loved me, was and still is there for me, some even more so now that they know that I am human and I have emotions just like everyone else, I can show that im like everyone else. I still have my times where I will mask my emotions from some people but most of the time I can be honest and show how I am truly feeling, sometimes I mask because I want to feel happy,I know that this may seem weird but sometimes when I mask it can set something off and I will smile because I remember that I do have so many positive things in my life. 9/10 times I smile now, is real. I love myself.  Its a work in progress but it always will be. Just keep going, be real.

    I started to forget who I really was because of that mask, but now that I dont need that mask as much I can see the real me, and so can everyone else, and I love the real me alot more than the fake/ masking me, there is no point in trying to be someone else, there is only one of you and you can never be replaced. Love yourself.

    Posted in Double J, Family, Friends, Hard, Love., Sharing, Travel, Walking

    You cant help who you fall in love with

    Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help that I feel in love with you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

    I often question why its you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old. 

    Posted in Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Journey, Love., Sharing, Walking

    Feeling better about myself.

    I bought a dress last week, and if im honest I did not know how it was going to look, even when I put it on after I got home, I was still unsure of it, I did not think it looked any good one me, but I thought you know what im going to wear it and im sure it will grow on me. And I wore it and posted a pic on facebook and so many people thought I looked amazing in it, and you know what they were right. I feel so good about myself at the moment, I feel free, happy, ect.

    This is the dress above.

    Photo credit: K Hamilton

    Posted in Double J, Family, Friends, Hard, Journey, Love., Sharing, Walking

    Today’s blog is about how someone helped me get it touch with a part of myself I had closed off. 

    **Changed name of person that helped me.
    So this is really close to me and personal.

    I had shut off the sexual side of myself for the longest time, I shut it of to the point of no sexual feelings at all, for almost 6 years, I know that is had to believe but that is what happened, and that’s how I dealt with some of the things that happened to me.

    But then along came Emma and she really helped me to see that what I had done was really unhealthy, and that it needed to change, and the hardest part of this for me was the fact that yes I opened that dopr back up, but I then had sexual feelings for her, and I would think of how amazingly she was, I missed her and told her that I had these feelings and she would tell me that its normal and that its ok, I was so scared that I would lose that friendship, and that is the last thing I wanted. It was a really had time for me, I had alot on my mind at the time, was preparing for surgery and all that, and then all of a sudden we were not talking, and that upset me so much, I did not know what to do, I just wanted to close everything off, especially that sexual side that I had opened up, but I did not know how to do that, I had opened that door too far. I went off the rails and did some stuff that I now sit here and wish I had not done some of the things that I did because I was hurting so much, that is no excuse for the things I did, ( no I did not hurt anyone, other than myself),(not self harm) it was hard for me but at the time I was out of control and did not know what to do.

    I really thought that I would never talk to Emma ever again, and that destroyed me, I felt lost, but then one day I got a message for her and I was like wtf,I thought I would never hear from you ever again. I was so confused, but to be honest I dont think I was the only one.

    Hot chocolate I had when we meet in person the first time. Xxoxx. Mwah