Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help that I feel in love with you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..
I often question why its you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.
I bought a dress last week, and if im honest I did not know how it was going to look, even when I put it on after I got home, I was still unsure of it, I did not think it looked any good one me, but I thought you know what im going to wear it and im sure it will grow on me. And I wore it and posted a pic on facebook and so many people thought I looked amazing in it, and you know what they were right. I feel so good about myself at the moment, I feel free, happy, ect.
This is the dress above.
Photo credit: K Hamilton
**Changed name of person that helped me.
So this is really close to me and personal.
I had shut off the sexual side of myself for the longest time, I shut it of to the point of no sexual feelings at all, for almost 6 years, I know that is had to believe but that is what happened, and that’s how I dealt with some of the things that happened to me.
But then along came Emma and she really helped me to see that what I had done was really unhealthy, and that it needed to change, and the hardest part of this for me was the fact that yes I opened that dopr back up, but I then had sexual feelings for her, and I would think of how amazingly she was, I missed her and told her that I had these feelings and she would tell me that its normal and that its ok, I was so scared that I would lose that friendship, and that is the last thing I wanted. It was a really had time for me, I had alot on my mind at the time, was preparing for surgery and all that, and then all of a sudden we were not talking, and that upset me so much, I did not know what to do, I just wanted to close everything off, especially that sexual side that I had opened up, but I did not know how to do that, I had opened that door too far. I went off the rails and did some stuff that I now sit here and wish I had not done some of the things that I did because I was hurting so much, that is no excuse for the things I did, ( no I did not hurt anyone, other than myself),(not self harm) it was hard for me but at the time I was out of control and did not know what to do.
I really thought that I would never talk to Emma ever again, and that destroyed me, I felt lost, but then one day I got a message for her and I was like wtf,I thought I would never hear from you ever again. I was so confused, but to be honest I dont think I was the only one.
Hot chocolate I had when we meet in person the first time. Xxoxx. Mwah
Photo of just before starting the show.
Photo credit to:Kaelani Hamilton (my bestie)
Photo credit to:Kaelani Hamilton (my bestie)
This is me with the team from the nutters club, talk show that is run every sunday from 11pm – 1am, I was privileged enough to be asked to join them on the show last sunday the 25th June 2017, and what an amazing experience that was.
For those people that missed the show here is the link to the podcast of the show its in two parts.
One thing that only a hand fill of people know, is that on Sunday at about 9:30pm, so 1 & a half hours before I was due to go on live radio, I realized that my right breast was starting to get swollen, and that scared me, but I carried on, did not even tell the team that there was something up, I guess you could say that I did not actually realize how badly swollen it was until I looked at a photo that was taken that night of me and my best friend.
I have been to the doctors in regards to that, and I have seen a surgeon, whom is going to refer me to the breast clinic and get an ultrasound and maybe a mammogram, its scary for me, and mainly because of what happened the first time my breast got swollen, when I was rushed back to theatre twice and having blood transfusions, almost dieing.
This amazing water fall takes quite the walk to get to where me and my bestie took the photo above was a 45minute walk to get too, and that is half was to the top, to get to the top from the start is an hour and a half, we didn’t have time to do whole thing, but if anyone had asked me even just a year ago if I wanted to do a 45minute bush walk to get to this beautiful water fall I would have said no thanks im good, but you go, ill just wait, But now im up for the challenge, yes it was hard but so worth it. Cant wait for the next adventure. After doing this walk we went to opal springs for a lovely soak.
So I sit here thinking about my journey that I started two years ago, and about how hard it’s been to get here but also how worth it, yes I realise that I only started documenting this journey just over a year ago, a lot has happened in those two years and some of that I’ll talk about, my surgeon told me at my very first appointment that I needed to cut out sugar but I didn’t know how to do that, like even to the point where now I don’t even have sugar in my coffee and that was a hard one but I did it.
Before I started this journey I was a size 16 and I really didn’t like myself in fact I hated myself for the way I looked, and the only person that could change that was me, so I followed the surgeon’s instructions and I cut out sugar, but the one thing I wasn’t told was don’t go cold turkey, you have to reduce it slowly or you will have withdrawals.
At the time I lived right next to the beach and what better place to go for a walk the beach, so that was me, I started walking on the beach everyday. Something else nobody told me is that muscle weighs more than fat, so when I started walking and I had already lost 5 kgs, I started putting on weight and I actually got really discouraged by that, I thought to myself now I can’t go back and see the surgeon because she will surely denying me of the surgery and there’s no way I can have that happen, but I kept going.
This photo was taken 3years ago, now when I look back I can see the beauty but before I couldn’t, I was a size 16 and now I’m a size 8 but I’m still not completely happy with my body shape or image but who really is?
So I sit here thinking that others don’t see the things im fighting, and yes I am right some people don’t see it, but then there are the people that are there for me and always have been, they see the pain and struggles that I am going through even without me saying anything to them, I think that I’m all alone, but I’m not, I have so many people on my side, but you know what even if I did not have one person I would still be okay, and I was reminded of that the other day, and you know what, the friend that showed me that, pointed something out to me and it was so true, I said right at the start of this journey that no matter what, if there was anyone with me or not on this journey I was going to do it anyway and I have been blessed with the most amazing people to walk alongside me through everything.
I am reminded of the love, and joy around me and if I’m honest there is so much. My God children have the most incredible amount of love for me and when they hear my bracelets as I walk up to the front door all I hear is “Shell” in the most joyous voice, and it excites me too be alive and to be on this amazing journey, yes at times this journey has been hard and I have wanted to give up not only on the journey but on me and living, but honestly how could I give up on myself and life when I have little ones here that would be heartbroken if anything would happen to me, and I could not do that to them, I could not do that to any of my friends that love me like they love there family.
This is one way that I use to deal with pain that I had come up in my life, I have now made a stand to stop that way of trying to deal with that pain, and to find other ways of dealing with that pain and one of those ways is to write things down, keep a record of what is going on.
We all go through things in life that we need support with, and other things that we would prefer to keep to ourselves and some of the things we keep to ourselves, maybe we should talk about it, but we might be a bit ashamed of what is going for us, and there is no reason to be ashamed.