Not very many people knew that I was going to be a guest speaker last Wednesday (19.7.17) I did not tell many people for a few reasons, being scared of judgement, being scared of letting people down ect, not even my family knew that I was speaking.
My brother came to this event, not knowing that I was going to be speaking, he found out about 10minutes before the event started, I am so glad that he attended the event, he told me that I should have told him that I was speaking because he almost did not come, yes I agree I should have told him, but I let the fear get the better of me.
It was so scary but also really amazing there were over 120 people come to this event, it was a really good event and I am so blessed and thankful that I was able to be apart of it.
My brother message me the morning after to tell me that he was really proud of me and that my other brother and dad were also very proud of me, I cried reading that, I have been such a disappointment to my family for most of my life, and now I have changed that.
Picture above is my brother and I
Picture below is all the speakers from the event.
I can now sit here and honestly say I was a professional masker, people would tell me how happy I looked, and how I was always so positive, but the honest truth is that it is not always the way, on the inside there was world war 3 going on, it was so hard, but I did not want anyone to see what was going on for me, I was embarrassed and felt so ashamed, but there was nothing to feel that way about, everyone that loved me, was and still is there for me, some even more so now that they know that I am human and I have emotions just like everyone else, I can show that im like everyone else. I still have my times where I will mask my emotions from some people but most of the time I can be honest and show how I am truly feeling, sometimes I mask because I want to feel happy,I know that this may seem weird but sometimes when I mask it can set something off and I will smile because I remember that I do have so many positive things in my life. 9/10 times I smile now, is real. I love myself. Its a work in progress but it always will be. Just keep going, be real.
I started to forget who I really was because of that mask, but now that I dont need that mask as much I can see the real me, and so can everyone else, and I love the real me alot more than the fake/ masking me, there is no point in trying to be someone else, there is only one of you and you can never be replaced. Love yourself.
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help that I feel in love with you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..
I often question why its you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.
I bought a dress last week, and if im honest I did not know how it was going to look, even when I put it on after I got home, I was still unsure of it, I did not think it looked any good one me, but I thought you know what im going to wear it and im sure it will grow on me. And I wore it and posted a pic on facebook and so many people thought I looked amazing in it, and you know what they were right. I feel so good about myself at the moment, I feel free, happy, ect.
This is the dress above.
Photo credit: K Hamilton
**Changed name of person that helped me.
So this is really close to me and personal.
I had shut off the sexual side of myself for the longest time, I shut it of to the point of no sexual feelings at all, for almost 6 years, I know that is had to believe but that is what happened, and that’s how I dealt with some of the things that happened to me.
But then along came Emma and she really helped me to see that what I had done was really unhealthy, and that it needed to change, and the hardest part of this for me was the fact that yes I opened that dopr back up, but I then had sexual feelings for her, and I would think of how amazingly she was, I missed her and told her that I had these feelings and she would tell me that its normal and that its ok, I was so scared that I would lose that friendship, and that is the last thing I wanted. It was a really had time for me, I had alot on my mind at the time, was preparing for surgery and all that, and then all of a sudden we were not talking, and that upset me so much, I did not know what to do, I just wanted to close everything off, especially that sexual side that I had opened up, but I did not know how to do that, I had opened that door too far. I went off the rails and did some stuff that I now sit here and wish I had not done some of the things that I did because I was hurting so much, that is no excuse for the things I did, ( no I did not hurt anyone, other than myself),(not self harm) it was hard for me but at the time I was out of control and did not know what to do.
I really thought that I would never talk to Emma ever again, and that destroyed me, I felt lost, but then one day I got a message for her and I was like wtf,I thought I would never hear from you ever again. I was so confused, but to be honest I dont think I was the only one.
Hot chocolate I had when we meet in person the first time. Xxoxx. Mwah
Photo of just before starting the show.
Photo credit to:Kaelani Hamilton (my bestie)
Photo credit to:Kaelani Hamilton (my bestie)
This is me with the team from the nutters club, talk show that is run every sunday from 11pm – 1am, I was privileged enough to be asked to join them on the show last sunday the 25th June 2017, and what an amazing experience that was.
For those people that missed the show here is the link to the podcast of the show its in two parts.
One thing that only a hand fill of people know, is that on Sunday at about 9:30pm, so 1 & a half hours before I was due to go on live radio, I realized that my right breast was starting to get swollen, and that scared me, but I carried on, did not even tell the team that there was something up, I guess you could say that I did not actually realize how badly swollen it was until I looked at a photo that was taken that night of me and my best friend.
I have been to the doctors in regards to that, and I have seen a surgeon, whom is going to refer me to the breast clinic and get an ultrasound and maybe a mammogram, its scary for me, and mainly because of what happened the first time my breast got swollen, when I was rushed back to theatre twice and having blood transfusions, almost dieing.
This amazing water fall takes quite the walk to get to where me and my bestie took the photo above was a 45minute walk to get too, and that is half was to the top, to get to the top from the start is an hour and a half, we didn’t have time to do whole thing, but if anyone had asked me even just a year ago if I wanted to do a 45minute bush walk to get to this beautiful water fall I would have said no thanks im good, but you go, ill just wait, But now im up for the challenge, yes it was hard but so worth it. Cant wait for the next adventure. After doing this walk we went to opal springs for a lovely soak.