Posted in 110%, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Black Sheep, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Feeling SAD and LOST

I dont even know how to put my words on to paper……        …….But here goes…….
Over the last month or so I have been quite sad and lost, It feels like I am losing the people that I care about the most, I feel like I am so distant from the people that love me the most and that I love the most and that hurts, I am so in love with my partner, she is the most amazing partner, she treats me like I am a queen and I dont deserve to be treated this amazing (I know people are going to disagree) I have been feeling like our relationship is a bit off and I know that it is me, I have been pushing her away, I am so scared and I know that it is the wrong thing to do.
Date night last Thursday with this stunning woman, The love of my life my one and only, the person I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much babe and hope for many, many more date nights like this one. (We went and watched Hereditary) So excited to be going to the movies with my babe.
Our date was so perfect, after our movie we drove the long way home and went round the beach front and looked at the beautiful reflections. We had the best night.
I love Kat with everything that I have, every breathe I take is worth so much more now that Kat is in my life. I am so thankful that I meet Kat, I must say “ I really did not think that it would end like this, I never thought that we would ever be able to be in a partnership, but yet here I am… Happy in love. “
Kat has bought a new meaning to my life.

I really love this photo of Kat and I. This was taken a couple of weeks ago. Xxoxx

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Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

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6 Years today my little one.

Today marks 6 Years since my heart was ripped out of my body and crushed it to a million tiny pieces, I remember this day like it had just happened, I had been to my doctor a few weeks before finding out that you were gone, When i went to the doctor the only reason I had gone was because I had been bleeding for 3 weeks by this time, I knew that was not right, all I knew was that i was bleeding the doctor did nothing other than to tell me to keep an eye on it, 3 weeks later I went to the hospital and the first thing they asked me was “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” And my answer was “HELL NO” The nurse then says to me “you answered that fast, is there a reason that you answered so fast?” I replied and said “Well yes there is a reason, I just cant be.” She told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test and you know what sure as shit it came back as a POSITIVE and i freaked out, but by this time it was to late, So I found out that i was pregnant and also that I was losing the baby all at the same time, I did not know what I was meant to do, As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have children, I was destroyed. The day I can remember saying to myself that i wanted to have children was the day that I meet my first niece, she was the smallest and most beautiful thing I had seen, I was 8 years old when I became an Aunty and oh my I tell you I was so happy, I wanted to hold her all the time, never wanted to give her back, LOL.

I really thought things were getting so much easier when it came to this time of the year, I had learnt how to manage, I was alone when it came to this day, so I had just decided that i was going to block this time of the year out and just try and pretend that it had never happened because that is how I knew how to deal with it all, but now that I am with Kat (My Partner) Everything has changed, So many doors that I had shut have been opening, And for the whole of last week I was finding the lead up to today to be really hard, because now i am learning that I dont need to block things like this out, because I have someone that is here to go through all the good, bad and ugly with, and I am loving having someone to go through things with, but it is also really hard for me because I have been alone for so long I dont know how to let others in when it comes to these things, but I am learning, it is taking sometime but its happening.

I was doing okay today and then Kat and I went to the school to pick up Kat’s 9 year old Daughter and things were okay to start with then it all kind of just hit me, and i got all teary eyed and Kat asked me what was wrong but by this point i was so stuck and I was unable to talk because I did not want to just lose it and not be able to stop the tears, but the thing that got me the most was the fact that I should have been picking up My own 5 and a half year old up from school, but that was ripped away from me and I had no choose about it, nor did I even know that I was even growing that beautiful, Prefect little being, until it was to late and they were already gone, I could not do anything but feel like I had let my child down by not even knowing that it was there. I just sit here and hope that even though I did not know that I was growing this prefect being that they know that I loved it, when I found out, and that if I had not lost the child that they would have been the most loved and cared for child. Mummy Loves you HEAVENLY. xxoxx

 

^^^ MY OLDEST NIECE, THIS WAS THE ANGEL I WAS BLESSED WITH WHEN I WAS 8 ^^^

I now have 4 Nieces and a Nephew and I love them all so much.

 

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One Year Since Surgery!

It has now been a year since I had my breast reduction, and what a year it has been!

Today Also marks a year since I almost died twice because of internal bleeding and that was really scary for me and all the people that love me, too think that I could have passed away and not had the opportunity to be able to share my story with you all, all I have ever wanted to do by sharing my story is to help/ inspire someone,just one person, I hope that all the people that have read my story have been touched in some way, or that it has related to them or someone that they know.

When I went to the hospital the day of surgery (9th February 2017) I was so super excited because it was finally the day that my life was going to change in so many ways, but never did I think it would change in as many ways as it did, Having not only one but two near death experiences changes so much for a person, it also changes so much for all that are involved with that persons care, all the people that love that person, it does not only impact that person that is going through it. My surgeon had never had to go back and operate on anyone before, little lone go back twice, and to be honest with you I am so thankful that it was the same surgeon all three times that I had operated on, I trusted her with everything, my life was one of those things that I trusted her with, and if I was faced with this again I would put the same amount of trust in her, she is an amazing surgeon and I could not have asked for anyone better.

I remember so clearly almost like it was just today that it happened, how I was laying in recovery after the surgery feeling so relieved that I had finally had the surgery done, after waiting almost 2 years since I had started the process of the surgery, and then the surgeon come in and told me that they had to rush me back in before it was to late, I just cried, and thought to myself this is not how it is meant to go, I was meant to be in and out, have a few days in hospital until the drains come out and then I would be able to head home and start that recovery process round the people that loved me, but things did not go as planned, and that really crashed me. The nurse asked me if there was anyone one that I wanted to call when Theatre was being prepped and I said yes please, I need to call my best-friend and let her know what is happening, the nurse was going to get the phone for me, when another nurse come in and told me that there was no time for me to make that call things were getting worse and if I was not taken back now that I would die, so I told them not to call anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell people and I did not want to freak anyone out, but little did I know nor think that having not contacted my best-friend that she would get weird that she had not heard from me yet, she knew that something had gone wrong because of the fact that I did not make contact after about 7 hours.

Just as I thought that thing’s were starting to look up something changed and I was told at 4:30am on Friday the 10th February 2017 once again that they had to rush me back to Theatre because of internal bleeding, so I was heading back for my third lot of surgery, and something I was not fully aware of at the time was when I went back for the first time, I need to have a blood transfusion, and the same again this time around, I was honestly so scared, I thought that I was going to die, and if it was not for the surgeon and her team, and also all the amazing people that donate blood then I would have died and that is something that I often think about, I try not to think of it but it does often pop in to my head.

Then later that night I had my dad, stepmother and a couple of friends visit me, I was not 100% there, but I was happy to see people that I knew and that cared about me, and then the shock hit again when a nurse came in to the room and said I need to talk to Michelle alone, that is once again a moment when my heart was shattered, I was thinking no way, not again. My dad was really worried he did not know what to do, I remember a good friend of mine was there at the time, her name was Bron and she helped comfort my dad, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough, when everyone had left the room and the door was shut the nurse was telling me that I was still in quite a bad way and that I may need to go back again but first they were going to try another blood transfusion and also plasma transfusion, I was honestly so scared I could not think about going back in again, I was about to just lose it, my dad, stepmother and Bron came back in to the room and asked was everything okay, I remember saying well sort of but not really this is what they are going to try and it that does not work then they are going to take me back. My dad thought that he was going to lose me, and if I am honest I thought what will he do if I do die, I cant go like this. I stayed in hospital for 8 days, in in those 8 days I was a mess I was in so much pain, I was unable to eat most of those days because I felt to unwell to eat, I could not sleep because of the pain and I could not get comfortable, I had some quite low times that I have not told very many people that I had, I wanted to kill myself many times, I even asked some of the nurses if they could over dose me, because I could not handle it anymore, it was such a dark time for me, I am not someone whom normally cries and during these 8 days of being in hospital I cried a lot, I cried for hours some days.

My best-friend was in Hamilton where we both lived at the time, and I was in Whangarei because that is where the surgery was, because when I started the process I lived in Whangarei and there was no way that I was transferring the surgery because there was a change that if I did that the new DHB that I would be under would say look but sorry we cant do the surgery, so I just said I was still in Whangarei, because there was no way that I was not having that surgery, the dates were originally set for the 13th December 2016, but then at the end of November I got the phone call that I was hoping would never come, and that was to tell me that they had to change the dates, because they had to operate on someone with cancer and to be honest that was heartbreaking for me as I was so excited to have it finally coming up, but then at the same time the other persons was life and death as mine was not, I had helped give that person a better life. My best-friend was always right there at the end of a text, Facebook message, or phone call I am so thankful that even though she was not able to be there in person, she was still right there with me throughout the whole thing, I will also never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me in that time.

Photos from the surgery, This is the first time I have shared these photos publicly

 

** I had asked a dear friend of mine to write me a little something about how she has seen me change over the last year, she has been there a lot for me, and i thank her from the bottom of my heart. Bron Jenkins wrote the below about me, and I found it to be so very touching and so special, to be honest until I read this I was not aware of how special i was, nor the impact that I had on her, I am so thankful that we have the friendship that we do. Bron I love you so much..

 

Michelle has asked me to write a little about her journey over the past year, but all I can do is write from my perspective.

Let me first tell you how I met Michelle.  I met her in a previous job.  This loud young lady came walking into my workplace for an interview to get on a course I was running.  A colleague who knew her told me that although she had more than her share of issues, she was a ‘lovely wee girl’ and I should give her a chance…. I had already decided I was going to but that was just the confirmation I needed to take on this livewire.  Boy, what a challenge I was in for, and one of the hardest parts of my job was having to say goodbye to her when she left 😦

Anyway, walking into the hospital room after her surgery that day, I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly did not expect to find her deathly pale and her boobs looking like she had gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson!  I have to say I was more than a little concerned after she told me she had been rushed back in to Theatre a few hours after surgery as her bleeding hasn’t stopped and they were not sure she would not have to go back again (which she did).  Her Dad came in and while the surgeons were chatting to Michelle, I got the privilege of chatting to her Dad in the hallway as he was none too keen on the hospital environment, let alone with doctors in a tiny room hovering over his daughter with a multitude of machines and tubes everywhere!

Michelle had wanted this surgery for SO long, she had worked hard to do what the surgeons had asked of her, one, to stop smoking and two, to lose 10kgs.  Michelle achieved this (and more, she lost 20 kgs!!) and went in feeling pretty nervous but confident and happy she was finally getting the surgery she so desperately needed.  With double J breasts, life was a pain, literally!

Recovery has been a massive challenge for Michelle, because of the complications I think she found life got quite complicated, difficult  and totally not what she expected… no fairy-tale ending here…yet!  I can only speak from my perspective but I think this had a huge emotional effect on Michelle over the first few months with a lot of ups when she was feeling good and a lot of very, very dark downs.  She has managed to work through (and continues to do so) these with some awesome supportive friends and whanau.

I have to say, the amount of positive growing and learning Michelle has done on herself over the past year has been massive.  She really has blossomed and although she still struggles at times with life (don’t we all), she has become a strong independent women who knows what she wants and really goes for it.  She has a freedom that others would envy and the confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

HAPPY BOOBIVERSARY!!  Hang in there, the journey is not over yet and the best is yet to come!

Love you lots my girl! xxxoooxxx

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The Movie “BROKEN” How It Made Me Feel..

“Death comes for us all. But the Question Is: Are you ready when it comes?”

Link to the Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhke8cgrarU

I don’t really know how to start this or even what to write.. But here goes……..

Yesterday the 6th February 2017 I went and watched the movie “Broken” Oh my it was by far the best movie I have seen, very touching, and made me think a lot about so many things, but one thing I thought about the most was the impact that suicide will have on the people that are closest to me, thank you for that special insight. I cried though a lot of this movie. One person from City Impact Church (Whom bought this movie out) that has helped me a lot through my dark times and spaces, I’m not actually sure they know how much they had an impact on my life and have helped me in my life is Mary Kath Laita, and for that I owe a lot to her. Thank you Mary Kath Laita, I would not be where I am if it was not for your help and support..

Something else the movie has helped me with and helped me realize is that giving up one of my dreams to be in the relationship that I am in now with my partner, I have given up having children of my own for as long as I am with my partner for more then one reason, some of those reasons are my partner not being able to have children and another reason is that because of my partners age they are unsure if they could bring a child up, so there is no adopting or anything like that, it was a really big decision that I have made, and there is no way that I made that decision lightly, it was really hard for me, but the love that I have for my partner is a lot greater than anyone could have ever seen, there has been challenges in getting to where we are today as partners. Getting back to what else this amazing movie has helped me with is seeing some sort of light in giving the dream of having children up, the pain that Logan “the dad in the movie” felt when Tori “the daughter” was killed was hard to see, and made me some what thankful that I will never have to worry about ever feeling that pain, in some ways that is hard for me in its self but at the same time it is a big relief.

The part that hit me the most would have to be the part at the Funeral when Jess gets up and tells everyone how the night that Tori was killed, that Tori had actually saved Jess’s life because Jess had planned to kill herself that night, it hit me as hard as it did for more than one reason, one of those reasons is because one of the youth at the youth group that i attended and went on to be a leader at, she committed suicide a few years ago, she was only 15, she was such a bright, beautiful young women and I know that it impacted a lot of people, she is missed so much, if only she knew how many people cared about her, and that were always there for her no matter what, one of the other things is because of the amount of times that I have not only thought about killing myself but also the amount of times that I have attempted to kill myself, sometimes I find myself asking how it is that I am still alive? don’t get me wrong I am so happy, thankful and blessed to still be alive, but honestly the amount of pills I have taken I should have died but I am still here and I cant begin to tell you what that means to me for me to still be alive and to be able to sit here and be able to be writing this and hopefully helping someone, just one person that had sat there and thought of suicide or the person that is sitting here reading this at the time that they are thinking about suicide, if that is you, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it may not seem that way right now, but i have been in that place where i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am and I can see that light, I suffer from depression, I still have my days that are bad, i still sometimes think of ending it, but I am also at that point where I know that there are people that care and that would be destroyed if anything happened to me, I also have ways to get through that hurt and pain without turning to trying to hurt myself/ kill myself. there are so many helplines that are there to help you and support you, some of the ones that are here in New Zealand are: Youth-line: 0800 376 633, or Free text Youth-line on 234, Depression-line: 0800 111 757, Mental Health Line: 0800 881 747, this is just some of the places that are here to help and support you…

I actually remember a phone call that I got from my dad to tell me that one of his friends children was dead, I asked him how, what happened and I knew as soon as my dad went quite, he did not really want to tell me how they had died, but I knew from the silence what had happened but i wanted to hear it out of my dad’s mouth, he started to get all teary eyed and told me that he had killed himself, and I was crushed, i felt for his friends, and family but mostly for his parents, (his mother was always there when i was at my low points, when i was thinking of killing myself.) The next words out of my dad’s mouth crushed me even more, my dad started to cry and said to me I am so glad that it was not one of my children, and I know that all three of dads children have been in that dark place, in that place where we have thought what is the point, that things would be so much better if we were no longer alive.

 

 

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Black Sheep

I sit here looking back at everything that has happened in the last year, alot has happened and alot of that has been so hard for me, going in to surgery excited for a new start in life, I had such high expectations of the surgery changing so much in my life, and in some ways life has changed, well to be honest my whole life has changed since surgery, just not in the ways that I thought it would.

When I first told my dad that I was going to have surgery he was not the happiest, he could not see why I would want to have surgery, but he came around to the idea, and everytime I spoke to him he would ask me if I had a date yet, he got really excited because he could now see why I was going to have the surgery, and his support meant everything to me, knowing that my dad was on board with something that I was doing felt amazing. 

I am the black sheep of my family and that will never change, I was such a disappointment to my family, especially my dad, I am his only girl and his baby and that will never change but I lived a life that my dad never approved and I have hurt him in so many ways and that was never my intention, but I’m not the perfect little girl he thought I was, I try my hardest to do things that will make him happy and proud of me, but with everything I do, I just seem to disappoint him even more, all I ever want is to show my dad that I am doing my best, I want him to be proud of his little girl, I want his blessings with the things that I do, but I just seem to be going in the wrong direction to make him proud, I’m sure I will make him proud one day, but until then all I can do is keep trying to keep going with my life. 
There are things in my life that I have not told people because I am scared of the disapproval, but I am living my life my way and not anyone else’s way, I have finally started to see that I have to put myself first and honestly that is so hard for me, because I have lived helping others and putting others first and that has just been me, I am finding this other life I have started really hard, I don’t really know how to put myself first. 

Something else that I am finding really hard is that I am in a relationship now and I am so happy with my partner, my partner can’t have kids and I have always wanted children, but that was never an issue because there are so many other ways of having children, my bestie asked me one day if I would give up having children to be with my partner and my answer was YES I would, but I did not think I would have to because of the many ways that I could be a parent, even though my partner is unable to have kids, as of this week me and my partner has spoken and they have told me that they don’t think at their age that they could do the whole parent thing, and that’s okay because I will do anything to be with them including making one of the hard decisions that I have had to think about in my life and that is respecting my partner with the fact that they don’t want children, I am still trying to get my head around this but that’s also okay, my partner said to me that they don’t want to stop me from being happy and they are worried that this is going to make me unhappy, and with them knowing that I have depression and some of the things I have done in the past because of my depression, it’s hard for them but I am so happy when I am with my partner, they bring the best out in me, and that is all I want in life, is to be the best me I can be, I can’t see life without them, children or not, I am dedicated to them I don’t want to live life without them, i fell so deeply in love with my partner, not for what they have or don’t have but for them, I saw the inside and that is what I love about them, they are just like me in so many ways they just want to make others happy. I sit here laughing because I wonder what on earth they see in me, why they are happy with me, they care so much about my happiness and that is beautiful, I guess others see a different side to what we ourselves see. I always want to ask are you sure you want to be with me knowing how I get sometimes, but love is such an amazing, beautiful thing, I can’t stop thinking about my partner no matter what, I catch my self smiling everytime I think of them, I want to spend the rest of our life’s together no matter what happens I am here for the long run, at the moment we are doing long distance, my partner lives over 400 kilometres away from each other and yes that is so hard for us both, but we are making it work. I have never felt this way about anyone ever before, I had shut so much of myself off, and my partner has opened those doors back up, and I am so thankful for that there is noone else I would rather have open those parts that I had shut off, I love them whole heartedly and I would not want them to change anything. I love them exactly how they are, and will support anything that they choose to do, I know that there will be people that do not agree with this but I’m happy and that should be all that matters

Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Counting the blessings

The last few months has been hard for me, I had to do this by my self, well I have still had the support of my bestie/wifey, but everyday that goes by I find it a little bit easier, but then I find my self sitting here by my self not doing my normal things, not jamming out to my favourite songs, and that is because it’s not the same as before when i would jam out with my wifey. 

My best friend moved away to a different town, don’t get me wrong I am so happy she has done this, because it’s time she focused on her and put what she wants/ needs first, I know how hard it is to do that, to put yourself first, when my bestie left it felt like something was missing from me, or part of me died, its hard explain. She is spreading her beautiful wings and flying, its so beautiful to be able to be here watching this, its a true blessing.

 I moved away 2 years ago, when I moved it was an 8 hour drive away from bestie and Goddaughter, 3 months after me moving, things did not work out where I had moved to so moved to Hamilton and my best friend had also moved by this time and we ended up just streets over from one and other, we would text in the morning saying “Coffee” lol, then that’s me heading over to have my morning coffee with my bestie, we would hang, go on so many random adventures together, we have the coolest memories together, I would head to work then again after work we would hang out til who knew what hour, haha we had so much fun together there are so many memories that come to mind well writing this, I sit here laughing out loud, like the red light by pak n save, with the cop there and me not realizing it was red til to late, ooops, or the floods.

I did not realize how blessed I really am until I no longer had my wifey right there,, yes I knew I was blessed but just did not know how blessed, when everything I have known for the last year and a half is gone, having coffee with you almost everyday, it become our normal. I loved the normal we had created, we are growing when we are apart and its not like we are that far away really, it feels like we are but really not that far.

In the last few months I have realized that I am more blessed than most people, most people don’t have a friendship like we do, I am so thankful to call you my best friend and my wifey, there is no one I would rather call my bestie/wifey. I am so thankful that you saw what many others did not see in me, not even I could see what you saw. 

I can’t wait to see you in 3 days, we are going to have such a good time together. 

Love u bro.