Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Black Sheep, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Double J, Family, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

Black Sheep

I sit here looking back at everything that has happened in the last year, alot has happened and alot of that has been so hard for me, going in to surgery excited for a new start in life, I had such high expectations of the surgery changing so much in my life, and in some ways life has changed, well to be honest my whole life has changed since surgery, just not in the ways that I thought it would.

When I first told my dad that I was going to have surgery he was not the happiest, he could not see why I would want to have surgery, but he came around to the idea, and everytime I spoke to him he would ask me if I had a date yet, he got really excited because he could now see why I was going to have the surgery, and his support meant everything to me, knowing that my dad was on board with something that I was doing felt amazing. 

I am the black sheep of my family and that will never change, I was such a disappointment to my family, especially my dad, I am his only girl and his baby and that will never change but I lived a life that my dad never approved and I have hurt him in so many ways and that was never my intention, but I’m not the perfect little girl he thought I was, I try my hardest to do things that will make him happy and proud of me, but with everything I do, I just seem to disappoint him even more, all I ever want is to show my dad that I am doing my best, I want him to be proud of his little girl, I want his blessings with the things that I do, but I just seem to be going in the wrong direction to make him proud, I’m sure I will make him proud one day, but until then all I can do is keep trying to keep going with my life. 
There are things in my life that I have not told people because I am scared of the disapproval, but I am living my life my way and not anyone else’s way, I have finally started to see that I have to put myself first and honestly that is so hard for me, because I have lived helping others and putting others first and that has just been me, I am finding this other life I have started really hard, I don’t really know how to put myself first. 

Something else that I am finding really hard is that I am in a relationship now and I am so happy with my partner, my partner can’t have kids and I have always wanted children, but that was never an issue because there are so many other ways of having children, my bestie asked me one day if I would give up having children to be with my partner and my answer was YES I would, but I did not think I would have to because of the many ways that I could be a parent, even though my partner is unable to have kids, as of this week me and my partner has spoken and they have told me that they don’t think at their age that they could do the whole parent thing, and that’s okay because I will do anything to be with them including making one of the hard decisions that I have had to think about in my life and that is respecting my partner with the fact that they don’t want children, I am still trying to get my head around this but that’s also okay, my partner said to me that they don’t want to stop me from being happy and they are worried that this is going to make me unhappy, and with them knowing that I have depression and some of the things I have done in the past because of my depression, it’s hard for them but I am so happy when I am with my partner, they bring the best out in me, and that is all I want in life, is to be the best me I can be, I can’t see life without them, children or not, I am dedicated to them I don’t want to live life without them, i fell so deeply in love with my partner, not for what they have or don’t have but for them, I saw the inside and that is what I love about them, they are just like me in so many ways they just want to make others happy. I sit here laughing because I wonder what on earth they see in me, why they are happy with me, they care so much about my happiness and that is beautiful, I guess others see a different side to what we ourselves see. I always want to ask are you sure you want to be with me knowing how I get sometimes, but love is such an amazing, beautiful thing, I can’t stop thinking about my partner no matter what, I catch my self smiling everytime I think of them, I want to spend the rest of our life’s together no matter what happens I am here for the long run, at the moment we are doing long distance, my partner lives over 400 kilometres away from each other and yes that is so hard for us both, but we are making it work. I have never felt this way about anyone ever before, I had shut so much of myself off, and my partner has opened those doors back up, and I am so thankful for that there is noone else I would rather have open those parts that I had shut off, I love them whole heartedly and I would not want them to change anything. I love them exactly how they are, and will support anything that they choose to do, I know that there will be people that do not agree with this but I’m happy and that should be all that matters

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Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Counting the blessings

The last few months has been hard for me, I had to do this by my self, well I have still had the support of my bestie/wifey, but everyday that goes by I find it a little bit easier, but then I find my self sitting here by my self not doing my normal things, not jamming out to my favourite songs, and that is because it’s not the same as before when i would jam out with my wifey. 

My best friend moved away to a different town, don’t get me wrong I am so happy she has done this, because it’s time she focused on her and put what she wants/ needs first, I know how hard it is to do that, to put yourself first, when my bestie left it felt like something was missing from me, or part of me died, its hard explain. She is spreading her beautiful wings and flying, its so beautiful to be able to be here watching this, its a true blessing.

 I moved away 2 years ago, when I moved it was an 8 hour drive away from bestie and Goddaughter, 3 months after me moving, things did not work out where I had moved to so moved to Hamilton and my best friend had also moved by this time and we ended up just streets over from one and other, we would text in the morning saying “Coffee” lol, then that’s me heading over to have my morning coffee with my bestie, we would hang, go on so many random adventures together, we have the coolest memories together, I would head to work then again after work we would hang out til who knew what hour, haha we had so much fun together there are so many memories that come to mind well writing this, I sit here laughing out loud, like the red light by pak n save, with the cop there and me not realizing it was red til to late, ooops, or the floods.

I did not realize how blessed I really am until I no longer had my wifey right there,, yes I knew I was blessed but just did not know how blessed, when everything I have known for the last year and a half is gone, having coffee with you almost everyday, it become our normal. I loved the normal we had created, we are growing when we are apart and its not like we are that far away really, it feels like we are but really not that far.

In the last few months I have realized that I am more blessed than most people, most people don’t have a friendship like we do, I am so thankful to call you my best friend and my wifey, there is no one I would rather call my bestie/wifey. I am so thankful that you saw what many others did not see in me, not even I could see what you saw. 

I can’t wait to see you in 3 days, we are going to have such a good time together. 

Love u bro.

Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Lost Over 40kg, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

A couple of things..

Something that is a bit out of the box of talked about things is periods, I’m going to talk about it in this blog.

I have noticed that for the last 8 months since I had to have several blood transfusions, when I get my period I am so drained and I get so moody, the pain from my periods are worse, they have become heavier, and some days I get to the point where I can get ready light headed. 

I am guessing that it has something to do with the amount of blood that was lost from the internal bleeding, and the amount of time it takes to recover from having to have a blood transfusion. 

I am really loving the feed back that I am getting from the people that read my blogs and all the questions I’m being asked, if there is anything that you relate to and want to ask something don’t be shy to ask me, if I can help I will do my best to do so.      I know some people will be sitting there thinking that I am so young surely she can’t have been through all of that, yes you would be right in the fact that I am young, but it goes to show that things can happen to anyone of us at any part of your life’s. And if I’m honest I am actually blessed to have had everything that has happened to me to have happened at such a young age it means I have the option to change things and make sure the rest of my life is going to be as great as I make it, yes there is still going to be great huge challenges ahead but I am the only one that can change that and I have learnt so much in my 25 years here. 

This photo is me just knowing that I am free to be me, I have accepted that people think shit about me but that says more about them, then it does me. And what it is that I am doing when I’m being free, that they need to work on in themselves. I’m just spreading live where it’s needed. Lol. I have found a new love for myself, and I am getting so many blessings from finding the inner love, it’s powerful. 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

Exactly how I feel

This is exactly how it is right now, I can officially say that we both feel the same way I love you so much. I’m not scared to say now. 
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help how much I love you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

I often question why it’s you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what, I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.                       ☝️️☝️☝

️The above was written before I went on holiday. Yes before you ask this person is the reason that I went to Wellington. 

👇👇👇

Now that I have been down and spent the week with you I know 💯% that I was indeed right with everything that I felt before I came down. 

I enjoyed every moment that I had with you, I did not know I could feel most of the feelings that I feel when I think of you, or when I’m there next to you, with me getting to know you that much  and you getting to know me that  much more. I look forward to seeing what lays in the future for is both, and where this leads us, yes I’m scared but it’s the best scared feeling, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of you of see your amazing face. I am so blessed that we both feel the same way about one and other. Thank you for trusting me enough to even give us a go. I love you to the moon and back. Miss you,more than anyone would understand,not even I understand. ❤️😍😘❤️😍😘

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points.