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Feeling SAD and LOST

I dont even know how to put my words on to paper……        …….But here goes…….
Over the last month or so I have been quite sad and lost, It feels like I am losing the people that I care about the most, I feel like I am so distant from the people that love me the most and that I love the most and that hurts, I am so in love with my partner, she is the most amazing partner, she treats me like I am a queen and I dont deserve to be treated this amazing (I know people are going to disagree) I have been feeling like our relationship is a bit off and I know that it is me, I have been pushing her away, I am so scared and I know that it is the wrong thing to do.
Date night last Thursday with this stunning woman, The love of my life my one and only, the person I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much babe and hope for many, many more date nights like this one. (We went and watched Hereditary) So excited to be going to the movies with my babe.
Our date was so perfect, after our movie we drove the long way home and went round the beach front and looked at the beautiful reflections. We had the best night.
I love Kat with everything that I have, every breathe I take is worth so much more now that Kat is in my life. I am so thankful that I meet Kat, I must say “ I really did not think that it would end like this, I never thought that we would ever be able to be in a partnership, but yet here I am… Happy in love. “
Kat has bought a new meaning to my life.

I really love this photo of Kat and I. This was taken a couple of weeks ago. Xxoxx

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Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Young

First blog for 2018

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I have not been round much in the last few months, that is because I have had so much on my mind, and plate, things have been a bit up and down a bit like a roller coaster, one of the things that has been impacting me the most is the death of my granddad, it has been 17 months but most days it still feels like it was just yesterday, it hits me so hard some days where I get to the point where I feel like I am unable to breathe, I sit here wishing that I could see you that one last time,give you that one last hug, tell you want you mean to me, but that is not possible, well I can tell you what you mean to me, it just wont be face to face. I am not one that normally cries, but a few nights ago, I lay with my partner and we were talking and my granddad came up and I fully just started to cry, i was just so happy that when i did start crying that i was in the arms of the love of my life, Thank you to my partner for being there for me, I would be so lost without you babe, I am so very blessed to have you in my life, I don’t even remember falling asleep that night.

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Counting the blessings

The last few months has been hard for me, I had to do this by my self, well I have still had the support of my bestie/wifey, but everyday that goes by I find it a little bit easier, but then I find my self sitting here by my self not doing my normal things, not jamming out to my favourite songs, and that is because it’s not the same as before when i would jam out with my wifey. 

My best friend moved away to a different town, don’t get me wrong I am so happy she has done this, because it’s time she focused on her and put what she wants/ needs first, I know how hard it is to do that, to put yourself first, when my bestie left it felt like something was missing from me, or part of me died, its hard explain. She is spreading her beautiful wings and flying, its so beautiful to be able to be here watching this, its a true blessing.

 I moved away 2 years ago, when I moved it was an 8 hour drive away from bestie and Goddaughter, 3 months after me moving, things did not work out where I had moved to so moved to Hamilton and my best friend had also moved by this time and we ended up just streets over from one and other, we would text in the morning saying “Coffee” lol, then that’s me heading over to have my morning coffee with my bestie, we would hang, go on so many random adventures together, we have the coolest memories together, I would head to work then again after work we would hang out til who knew what hour, haha we had so much fun together there are so many memories that come to mind well writing this, I sit here laughing out loud, like the red light by pak n save, with the cop there and me not realizing it was red til to late, ooops, or the floods.

I did not realize how blessed I really am until I no longer had my wifey right there,, yes I knew I was blessed but just did not know how blessed, when everything I have known for the last year and a half is gone, having coffee with you almost everyday, it become our normal. I loved the normal we had created, we are growing when we are apart and its not like we are that far away really, it feels like we are but really not that far.

In the last few months I have realized that I am more blessed than most people, most people don’t have a friendship like we do, I am so thankful to call you my best friend and my wifey, there is no one I would rather call my bestie/wifey. I am so thankful that you saw what many others did not see in me, not even I could see what you saw. 

I can’t wait to see you in 3 days, we are going to have such a good time together. 

Love u bro.

Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Lost Over 40kg, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

A couple of things..

Something that is a bit out of the box of talked about things is periods, I’m going to talk about it in this blog.

I have noticed that for the last 8 months since I had to have several blood transfusions, when I get my period I am so drained and I get so moody, the pain from my periods are worse, they have become heavier, and some days I get to the point where I can get ready light headed. 

I am guessing that it has something to do with the amount of blood that was lost from the internal bleeding, and the amount of time it takes to recover from having to have a blood transfusion. 

I am really loving the feed back that I am getting from the people that read my blogs and all the questions I’m being asked, if there is anything that you relate to and want to ask something don’t be shy to ask me, if I can help I will do my best to do so.      I know some people will be sitting there thinking that I am so young surely she can’t have been through all of that, yes you would be right in the fact that I am young, but it goes to show that things can happen to anyone of us at any part of your life’s. And if I’m honest I am actually blessed to have had everything that has happened to me to have happened at such a young age it means I have the option to change things and make sure the rest of my life is going to be as great as I make it, yes there is still going to be great huge challenges ahead but I am the only one that can change that and I have learnt so much in my 25 years here. 

This photo is me just knowing that I am free to be me, I have accepted that people think shit about me but that says more about them, then it does me. And what it is that I am doing when I’m being free, that they need to work on in themselves. I’m just spreading live where it’s needed. Lol. I have found a new love for myself, and I am getting so many blessings from finding the inner love, it’s powerful. 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

Exactly how I feel

This is exactly how it is right now, I can officially say that we both feel the same way I love you so much. I’m not scared to say now. 
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help how much I love you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

I often question why it’s you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what, I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.                       ☝️️☝️☝

️The above was written before I went on holiday. Yes before you ask this person is the reason that I went to Wellington. 

👇👇👇

Now that I have been down and spent the week with you I know 💯% that I was indeed right with everything that I felt before I came down. 

I enjoyed every moment that I had with you, I did not know I could feel most of the feelings that I feel when I think of you, or when I’m there next to you, with me getting to know you that much  and you getting to know me that  much more. I look forward to seeing what lays in the future for is both, and where this leads us, yes I’m scared but it’s the best scared feeling, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of you of see your amazing face. I am so blessed that we both feel the same way about one and other. Thank you for trusting me enough to even give us a go. I love you to the moon and back. Miss you,more than anyone would understand,not even I understand. ❤️😍😘❤️😍😘

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I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me.