Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points. 

Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth

💖This is so beautiful💖

This was written about me by someone that knows and loves me. 
My sweet, sweet friend

  • Interviewed for The Project TV show Featured on stuff.co.nz news
  • Guest speaker on Mike Kings “The Nutters Club” Newstalk ZB radio show
  • Guest speaker at ‘Empowering Women’ event in Hamilton, New Zealand
  • Headliner in NZ magazines
  • Lost 44kg (97lbs) in 9 months
  • Mental health advocate

Impressive, right? Written down, bulleted, and, although its just naming a few of your achievements, it looks amazing; your journey. I’m so proud of you. Theres no other story I enjoy hearing, revisiting, and, learning from, than yours; my sweet, sweet friend. My sister. My “shell”.

It wasn’t always this impressive though, was it my friend. I was there before you blossomed. I sat with you in what you saw as darkness. In that darkness. . .you blinded your mind from seeing how much light you were illuminating. 

I could see it, in full force. You inspired me. You still inspire me. When people tell you that your journey is inspiring…believe them. You still, in some ways, sit in the dark. . .
thats okay to.

Blossomed into a beautiful rose, the beauty of your becoming has gone unnoticed. How you came to blossom has never been told. From your soil, to your roots, to the stem of you, right down to the bud opening up. No one else got to see that, but me; the rose next to you. 

I saw you as the thorn on the rose, with that tough, hard, prickled exterior; you didn’t want anyone to touch you, come near you, or see you. You wanted to be that thorn though, didn’t you? You wanted to be the thorn. The thorn is what you thought protected you from predators.

But you didn’t really want to be the thorn that pricked everyone that came into contact with you, did you? My sweet, sweet friend. No. You wanted to be the rose that everyone admired, picked and loved so much. 
You didn’t realise in order to become the rose, you needed to see yourself as that beautiful rose, because you already were…that beautiful rose; you were growing into that beautiful rose.

 From the rose next to you, you could never see the shape of you, the mould of you, even the shape of the base of your thorn was soft and smooth. 
Beauty can be found in everything.

You, the thorn, sprung from a pillar of strength, a towering giant, your stem; the center of what made you, you. 

I also saw your roots. Your roots that became the thorn and the stem. I saw the core of you. At the core of you, I saw the richness of your soil. I saw how beautifully spanned your roots were and how those roots just needed nutrients, love and patience in developing. 

Your journey…though not seen by many, has such depth. Your roots, deep. Although they were tangled, with that bit of time, patience, love and the right nutrients, your roots detangled, one by one and spread like a fire. You became deep rooted, and gave birth to the beautiful rose you are today. 

Life would just so have it, that for a while, while we grew, that we would just so happen to share the same plot of soil for a while. I can’t thank you enough, as the rose next to you, for enriching my roots, and my soil. You helped me grow with all your nutrients, even though you didn’t know you were at the time. I’m glad I shared that soil, with you. 

The center of you always stood tall, it grew to be a giant! You towered above me in your growth and I looked up to your growth. That’s all I could see…was growth.  I admired how tall you stood. You always have stood out from all the rest! So proud of you! 

Love you always. Never stop blooming! 

We really do have the best friendship. 

Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking

??????

What is it that you like about yourself. 

Here is some of the things that I love about myself: 

  • I love that I am a loving person.
  • I love that I am good at photography.
  • I love how strong I am.
  • I love that I can feel pain (I know that this probably sounds crazy, but here is why, I love that I can feel pain because “pain” has grown me so much, I would not be the person that I am now, if it were not for being able to feel all the pain that I have been able to feel even when it is bloody hard. 
  • I love that I can accept myself for me.
  • I love that I can enjoy life.
  • I love that I have an amazing family. (Both blood and non blood)
  • I love that I walk
  • I love that I am fun
  • I love that I have become something that my family is proud of.
  • I am love what I have become.
    Posted in Double J, Family, Friends, Hard, Love., Sharing, Travel, Walking

    You cant help who you fall in love with

    Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help that I feel in love with you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

    I often question why its you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.