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One Year Since Surgery!

It has now been a year since I had my breast reduction, and what a year it has been!

Today Also marks a year since I almost died twice because of internal bleeding and that was really scary for me and all the people that love me, too think that I could have passed away and not had the opportunity to be able to share my story with you all, all I have ever wanted to do by sharing my story is to help/ inspire someone,just one person, I hope that all the people that have read my story have been touched in some way, or that it has related to them or someone that they know.

When I went to the hospital the day of surgery (9th February 2017) I was so super excited because it was finally the day that my life was going to change in so many ways, but never did I think it would change in as many ways as it did, Having not only one but two near death experiences changes so much for a person, it also changes so much for all that are involved with that persons care, all the people that love that person, it does not only impact that person that is going through it. My surgeon had never had to go back and operate on anyone before, little lone go back twice, and to be honest with you I am so thankful that it was the same surgeon all three times that I had operated on, I trusted her with everything, my life was one of those things that I trusted her with, and if I was faced with this again I would put the same amount of trust in her, she is an amazing surgeon and I could not have asked for anyone better.

I remember so clearly almost like it was just today that it happened, how I was laying in recovery after the surgery feeling so relieved that I had finally had the surgery done, after waiting almost 2 years since I had started the process of the surgery, and then the surgeon come in and told me that they had to rush me back in before it was to late, I just cried, and thought to myself this is not how it is meant to go, I was meant to be in and out, have a few days in hospital until the drains come out and then I would be able to head home and start that recovery process round the people that loved me, but things did not go as planned, and that really crashed me. The nurse asked me if there was anyone one that I wanted to call when Theatre was being prepped and I said yes please, I need to call my best-friend and let her know what is happening, the nurse was going to get the phone for me, when another nurse come in and told me that there was no time for me to make that call things were getting worse and if I was not taken back now that I would die, so I told them not to call anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell people and I did not want to freak anyone out, but little did I know nor think that having not contacted my best-friend that she would get weird that she had not heard from me yet, she knew that something had gone wrong because of the fact that I did not make contact after about 7 hours.

Just as I thought that thing’s were starting to look up something changed and I was told at 4:30am on Friday the 10th February 2017 once again that they had to rush me back to Theatre because of internal bleeding, so I was heading back for my third lot of surgery, and something I was not fully aware of at the time was when I went back for the first time, I need to have a blood transfusion, and the same again this time around, I was honestly so scared, I thought that I was going to die, and if it was not for the surgeon and her team, and also all the amazing people that donate blood then I would have died and that is something that I often think about, I try not to think of it but it does often pop in to my head.

Then later that night I had my dad, stepmother and a couple of friends visit me, I was not 100% there, but I was happy to see people that I knew and that cared about me, and then the shock hit again when a nurse came in to the room and said I need to talk to Michelle alone, that is once again a moment when my heart was shattered, I was thinking no way, not again. My dad was really worried he did not know what to do, I remember a good friend of mine was there at the time, her name was Bron and she helped comfort my dad, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough, when everyone had left the room and the door was shut the nurse was telling me that I was still in quite a bad way and that I may need to go back again but first they were going to try another blood transfusion and also plasma transfusion, I was honestly so scared I could not think about going back in again, I was about to just lose it, my dad, stepmother and Bron came back in to the room and asked was everything okay, I remember saying well sort of but not really this is what they are going to try and it that does not work then they are going to take me back. My dad thought that he was going to lose me, and if I am honest I thought what will he do if I do die, I cant go like this. I stayed in hospital for 8 days, in in those 8 days I was a mess I was in so much pain, I was unable to eat most of those days because I felt to unwell to eat, I could not sleep because of the pain and I could not get comfortable, I had some quite low times that I have not told very many people that I had, I wanted to kill myself many times, I even asked some of the nurses if they could over dose me, because I could not handle it anymore, it was such a dark time for me, I am not someone whom normally cries and during these 8 days of being in hospital I cried a lot, I cried for hours some days.

My best-friend was in Hamilton where we both lived at the time, and I was in Whangarei because that is where the surgery was, because when I started the process I lived in Whangarei and there was no way that I was transferring the surgery because there was a change that if I did that the new DHB that I would be under would say look but sorry we cant do the surgery, so I just said I was still in Whangarei, because there was no way that I was not having that surgery, the dates were originally set for the 13th December 2016, but then at the end of November I got the phone call that I was hoping would never come, and that was to tell me that they had to change the dates, because they had to operate on someone with cancer and to be honest that was heartbreaking for me as I was so excited to have it finally coming up, but then at the same time the other persons was life and death as mine was not, I had helped give that person a better life. My best-friend was always right there at the end of a text, Facebook message, or phone call I am so thankful that even though she was not able to be there in person, she was still right there with me throughout the whole thing, I will also never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me in that time.

Photos from the surgery, This is the first time I have shared these photos publicly

 

** I had asked a dear friend of mine to write me a little something about how she has seen me change over the last year, she has been there a lot for me, and i thank her from the bottom of my heart. Bron Jenkins wrote the below about me, and I found it to be so very touching and so special, to be honest until I read this I was not aware of how special i was, nor the impact that I had on her, I am so thankful that we have the friendship that we do. Bron I love you so much..

 

Michelle has asked me to write a little about her journey over the past year, but all I can do is write from my perspective.

Let me first tell you how I met Michelle.  I met her in a previous job.  This loud young lady came walking into my workplace for an interview to get on a course I was running.  A colleague who knew her told me that although she had more than her share of issues, she was a ‘lovely wee girl’ and I should give her a chance…. I had already decided I was going to but that was just the confirmation I needed to take on this livewire.  Boy, what a challenge I was in for, and one of the hardest parts of my job was having to say goodbye to her when she left 😦

Anyway, walking into the hospital room after her surgery that day, I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly did not expect to find her deathly pale and her boobs looking like she had gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson!  I have to say I was more than a little concerned after she told me she had been rushed back in to Theatre a few hours after surgery as her bleeding hasn’t stopped and they were not sure she would not have to go back again (which she did).  Her Dad came in and while the surgeons were chatting to Michelle, I got the privilege of chatting to her Dad in the hallway as he was none too keen on the hospital environment, let alone with doctors in a tiny room hovering over his daughter with a multitude of machines and tubes everywhere!

Michelle had wanted this surgery for SO long, she had worked hard to do what the surgeons had asked of her, one, to stop smoking and two, to lose 10kgs.  Michelle achieved this (and more, she lost 20 kgs!!) and went in feeling pretty nervous but confident and happy she was finally getting the surgery she so desperately needed.  With double J breasts, life was a pain, literally!

Recovery has been a massive challenge for Michelle, because of the complications I think she found life got quite complicated, difficult  and totally not what she expected… no fairy-tale ending here…yet!  I can only speak from my perspective but I think this had a huge emotional effect on Michelle over the first few months with a lot of ups when she was feeling good and a lot of very, very dark downs.  She has managed to work through (and continues to do so) these with some awesome supportive friends and whanau.

I have to say, the amount of positive growing and learning Michelle has done on herself over the past year has been massive.  She really has blossomed and although she still struggles at times with life (don’t we all), she has become a strong independent women who knows what she wants and really goes for it.  She has a freedom that others would envy and the confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

HAPPY BOOBIVERSARY!!  Hang in there, the journey is not over yet and the best is yet to come!

Love you lots my girl! xxxoooxxx

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First blog for 2018

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I have not been round much in the last few months, that is because I have had so much on my mind, and plate, things have been a bit up and down a bit like a roller coaster, one of the things that has been impacting me the most is the death of my granddad, it has been 17 months but most days it still feels like it was just yesterday, it hits me so hard some days where I get to the point where I feel like I am unable to breathe, I sit here wishing that I could see you that one last time,give you that one last hug, tell you want you mean to me, but that is not possible, well I can tell you what you mean to me, it just wont be face to face. I am not one that normally cries, but a few nights ago, I lay with my partner and we were talking and my granddad came up and I fully just started to cry, i was just so happy that when i did start crying that i was in the arms of the love of my life, Thank you to my partner for being there for me, I would be so lost without you babe, I am so very blessed to have you in my life, I don’t even remember falling asleep that night.

 

 

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Counting the blessings

The last few months has been hard for me, I had to do this by my self, well I have still had the support of my bestie/wifey, but everyday that goes by I find it a little bit easier, but then I find my self sitting here by my self not doing my normal things, not jamming out to my favourite songs, and that is because it’s not the same as before when i would jam out with my wifey. 

My best friend moved away to a different town, don’t get me wrong I am so happy she has done this, because it’s time she focused on her and put what she wants/ needs first, I know how hard it is to do that, to put yourself first, when my bestie left it felt like something was missing from me, or part of me died, its hard explain. She is spreading her beautiful wings and flying, its so beautiful to be able to be here watching this, its a true blessing.

 I moved away 2 years ago, when I moved it was an 8 hour drive away from bestie and Goddaughter, 3 months after me moving, things did not work out where I had moved to so moved to Hamilton and my best friend had also moved by this time and we ended up just streets over from one and other, we would text in the morning saying “Coffee” lol, then that’s me heading over to have my morning coffee with my bestie, we would hang, go on so many random adventures together, we have the coolest memories together, I would head to work then again after work we would hang out til who knew what hour, haha we had so much fun together there are so many memories that come to mind well writing this, I sit here laughing out loud, like the red light by pak n save, with the cop there and me not realizing it was red til to late, ooops, or the floods.

I did not realize how blessed I really am until I no longer had my wifey right there,, yes I knew I was blessed but just did not know how blessed, when everything I have known for the last year and a half is gone, having coffee with you almost everyday, it become our normal. I loved the normal we had created, we are growing when we are apart and its not like we are that far away really, it feels like we are but really not that far.

In the last few months I have realized that I am more blessed than most people, most people don’t have a friendship like we do, I am so thankful to call you my best friend and my wifey, there is no one I would rather call my bestie/wifey. I am so thankful that you saw what many others did not see in me, not even I could see what you saw. 

I can’t wait to see you in 3 days, we are going to have such a good time together. 

Love u bro.

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A couple of things..

Something that is a bit out of the box of talked about things is periods, I’m going to talk about it in this blog.

I have noticed that for the last 8 months since I had to have several blood transfusions, when I get my period I am so drained and I get so moody, the pain from my periods are worse, they have become heavier, and some days I get to the point where I can get ready light headed. 

I am guessing that it has something to do with the amount of blood that was lost from the internal bleeding, and the amount of time it takes to recover from having to have a blood transfusion. 

I am really loving the feed back that I am getting from the people that read my blogs and all the questions I’m being asked, if there is anything that you relate to and want to ask something don’t be shy to ask me, if I can help I will do my best to do so.      I know some people will be sitting there thinking that I am so young surely she can’t have been through all of that, yes you would be right in the fact that I am young, but it goes to show that things can happen to anyone of us at any part of your life’s. And if I’m honest I am actually blessed to have had everything that has happened to me to have happened at such a young age it means I have the option to change things and make sure the rest of my life is going to be as great as I make it, yes there is still going to be great huge challenges ahead but I am the only one that can change that and I have learnt so much in my 25 years here. 

This photo is me just knowing that I am free to be me, I have accepted that people think shit about me but that says more about them, then it does me. And what it is that I am doing when I’m being free, that they need to work on in themselves. I’m just spreading live where it’s needed. Lol. I have found a new love for myself, and I am getting so many blessings from finding the inner love, it’s powerful. 

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Exactly how I feel

This is exactly how it is right now, I can officially say that we both feel the same way I love you so much. I’m not scared to say now. 
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help how much I love you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

I often question why it’s you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what, I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.                       ☝️️☝️☝

️The above was written before I went on holiday. Yes before you ask this person is the reason that I went to Wellington. 

👇👇👇

Now that I have been down and spent the week with you I know 💯% that I was indeed right with everything that I felt before I came down. 

I enjoyed every moment that I had with you, I did not know I could feel most of the feelings that I feel when I think of you, or when I’m there next to you, with me getting to know you that much  and you getting to know me that  much more. I look forward to seeing what lays in the future for is both, and where this leads us, yes I’m scared but it’s the best scared feeling, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of you of see your amazing face. I am so blessed that we both feel the same way about one and other. Thank you for trusting me enough to even give us a go. I love you to the moon and back. Miss you,more than anyone would understand,not even I understand. ❤️😍😘❤️😍😘

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Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

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How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points.