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The Movie “BROKEN” How It Made Me Feel..

“Death comes for us all. But the Question Is: Are you ready when it comes?”

Link to the Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhke8cgrarU

I don’t really know how to start this or even what to write.. But here goes……..

Yesterday the 6th February 2017 I went and watched the movie “Broken” Oh my it was by far the best movie I have seen, very touching, and made me think a lot about so many things, but one thing I thought about the most was the impact that suicide will have on the people that are closest to me, thank you for that special insight. I cried though a lot of this movie. One person from City Impact Church (Whom bought this movie out) that has helped me a lot through my dark times and spaces, I’m not actually sure they know how much they had an impact on my life and have helped me in my life is Mary Kath Laita, and for that I owe a lot to her. Thank you Mary Kath Laita, I would not be where I am if it was not for your help and support..

Something else the movie has helped me with and helped me realize is that giving up one of my dreams to be in the relationship that I am in now with my partner, I have given up having children of my own for as long as I am with my partner for more then one reason, some of those reasons are my partner not being able to have children and another reason is that because of my partners age they are unsure if they could bring a child up, so there is no adopting or anything like that, it was a really big decision that I have made, and there is no way that I made that decision lightly, it was really hard for me, but the love that I have for my partner is a lot greater than anyone could have ever seen, there has been challenges in getting to where we are today as partners. Getting back to what else this amazing movie has helped me with is seeing some sort of light in giving the dream of having children up, the pain that Logan “the dad in the movie” felt when Tori “the daughter” was killed was hard to see, and made me some what thankful that I will never have to worry about ever feeling that pain, in some ways that is hard for me in its self but at the same time it is a big relief.

The part that hit me the most would have to be the part at the Funeral when Jess gets up and tells everyone how the night that Tori was killed, that Tori had actually saved Jess’s life because Jess had planned to kill herself that night, it hit me as hard as it did for more than one reason, one of those reasons is because one of the youth at the youth group that i attended and went on to be a leader at, she committed suicide a few years ago, she was only 15, she was such a bright, beautiful young women and I know that it impacted a lot of people, she is missed so much, if only she knew how many people cared about her, and that were always there for her no matter what, one of the other things is because of the amount of times that I have not only thought about killing myself but also the amount of times that I have attempted to kill myself, sometimes I find myself asking how it is that I am still alive? don’t get me wrong I am so happy, thankful and blessed to still be alive, but honestly the amount of pills I have taken I should have died but I am still here and I cant begin to tell you what that means to me for me to still be alive and to be able to sit here and be able to be writing this and hopefully helping someone, just one person that had sat there and thought of suicide or the person that is sitting here reading this at the time that they are thinking about suicide, if that is you, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it may not seem that way right now, but i have been in that place where i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am and I can see that light, I suffer from depression, I still have my days that are bad, i still sometimes think of ending it, but I am also at that point where I know that there are people that care and that would be destroyed if anything happened to me, I also have ways to get through that hurt and pain without turning to trying to hurt myself/ kill myself. there are so many helplines that are there to help you and support you, some of the ones that are here in New Zealand are: Youth-line: 0800 376 633, or Free text Youth-line on 234, Depression-line: 0800 111 757, Mental Health Line: 0800 881 747, this is just some of the places that are here to help and support you…

I actually remember a phone call that I got from my dad to tell me that one of his friends children was dead, I asked him how, what happened and I knew as soon as my dad went quite, he did not really want to tell me how they had died, but I knew from the silence what had happened but i wanted to hear it out of my dad’s mouth, he started to get all teary eyed and told me that he had killed himself, and I was crushed, i felt for his friends, and family but mostly for his parents, (his mother was always there when i was at my low points, when i was thinking of killing myself.) The next words out of my dad’s mouth crushed me even more, my dad started to cry and said to me I am so glad that it was not one of my children, and I know that all three of dads children have been in that dark place, in that place where we have thought what is the point, that things would be so much better if we were no longer alive.

 

 

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Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Young

First blog for 2018

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I have not been round much in the last few months, that is because I have had so much on my mind, and plate, things have been a bit up and down a bit like a roller coaster, one of the things that has been impacting me the most is the death of my granddad, it has been 17 months but most days it still feels like it was just yesterday, it hits me so hard some days where I get to the point where I feel like I am unable to breathe, I sit here wishing that I could see you that one last time,give you that one last hug, tell you want you mean to me, but that is not possible, well I can tell you what you mean to me, it just wont be face to face. I am not one that normally cries, but a few nights ago, I lay with my partner and we were talking and my granddad came up and I fully just started to cry, i was just so happy that when i did start crying that i was in the arms of the love of my life, Thank you to my partner for being there for me, I would be so lost without you babe, I am so very blessed to have you in my life, I don’t even remember falling asleep that night.

 

 

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Counting the blessings

The last few months has been hard for me, I had to do this by my self, well I have still had the support of my bestie/wifey, but everyday that goes by I find it a little bit easier, but then I find my self sitting here by my self not doing my normal things, not jamming out to my favourite songs, and that is because it’s not the same as before when i would jam out with my wifey. 

My best friend moved away to a different town, don’t get me wrong I am so happy she has done this, because it’s time she focused on her and put what she wants/ needs first, I know how hard it is to do that, to put yourself first, when my bestie left it felt like something was missing from me, or part of me died, its hard explain. She is spreading her beautiful wings and flying, its so beautiful to be able to be here watching this, its a true blessing.

 I moved away 2 years ago, when I moved it was an 8 hour drive away from bestie and Goddaughter, 3 months after me moving, things did not work out where I had moved to so moved to Hamilton and my best friend had also moved by this time and we ended up just streets over from one and other, we would text in the morning saying “Coffee” lol, then that’s me heading over to have my morning coffee with my bestie, we would hang, go on so many random adventures together, we have the coolest memories together, I would head to work then again after work we would hang out til who knew what hour, haha we had so much fun together there are so many memories that come to mind well writing this, I sit here laughing out loud, like the red light by pak n save, with the cop there and me not realizing it was red til to late, ooops, or the floods.

I did not realize how blessed I really am until I no longer had my wifey right there,, yes I knew I was blessed but just did not know how blessed, when everything I have known for the last year and a half is gone, having coffee with you almost everyday, it become our normal. I loved the normal we had created, we are growing when we are apart and its not like we are that far away really, it feels like we are but really not that far.

In the last few months I have realized that I am more blessed than most people, most people don’t have a friendship like we do, I am so thankful to call you my best friend and my wifey, there is no one I would rather call my bestie/wifey. I am so thankful that you saw what many others did not see in me, not even I could see what you saw. 

I can’t wait to see you in 3 days, we are going to have such a good time together. 

Love u bro.

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A couple of things..

Something that is a bit out of the box of talked about things is periods, I’m going to talk about it in this blog.

I have noticed that for the last 8 months since I had to have several blood transfusions, when I get my period I am so drained and I get so moody, the pain from my periods are worse, they have become heavier, and some days I get to the point where I can get ready light headed. 

I am guessing that it has something to do with the amount of blood that was lost from the internal bleeding, and the amount of time it takes to recover from having to have a blood transfusion. 

I am really loving the feed back that I am getting from the people that read my blogs and all the questions I’m being asked, if there is anything that you relate to and want to ask something don’t be shy to ask me, if I can help I will do my best to do so.      I know some people will be sitting there thinking that I am so young surely she can’t have been through all of that, yes you would be right in the fact that I am young, but it goes to show that things can happen to anyone of us at any part of your life’s. And if I’m honest I am actually blessed to have had everything that has happened to me to have happened at such a young age it means I have the option to change things and make sure the rest of my life is going to be as great as I make it, yes there is still going to be great huge challenges ahead but I am the only one that can change that and I have learnt so much in my 25 years here. 

This photo is me just knowing that I am free to be me, I have accepted that people think shit about me but that says more about them, then it does me. And what it is that I am doing when I’m being free, that they need to work on in themselves. I’m just spreading live where it’s needed. Lol. I have found a new love for myself, and I am getting so many blessings from finding the inner love, it’s powerful. 

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I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me.