Posted in 110%, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Young

Three in One

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         When you find out you are not as ready as you thought  to give something up!! 

I really thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance, knowing I had given up the dream of having children, I was okay knowing that in my current relationship, that having children was not something I could do/have for a number of reasons, but today it has occurred to me how wrong I was thinking that it was something I was okay with, the moment I walked in to that house and the 13 day old baby was there my heart melted, it jumped out of my body, my heart was that gorgeous baby’s, I needed her in my life, I needed to be able to give that baby my love. I don’t think that I realized how much I was going to give up, I was not just giving up on a dream, or having a child, I was giving up a big part of me, can I really give it up? I love Kat so much that I really did think I could give it up, but after today I am really re thinking all of that, it has hit me so hard, seeing a child so tiny and in need.

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When you lose someone that you did not realize meant so much!!!

So today the 1st April 2018 I went to work and it was just like any other day at work, happy customers came and went, we were quite a bit busier than a normal Sunday, it was all ticking along until the manager come to me and said “You remember the two older customers that come every single week, my reply ” yes, the ones that always sit at table 1, he always brings his red wine, and she always has an apple juice?” She said “Yes, that is the ones, well he passed away last week” I was, and still am really crushed and quite sad, because I tell you this, they were one of the nicest customers, always so lovely, he would pay in cash every week and she would get the change, it was really quite cute, I am still in shock and kind of think no surely not, surely he is not dead. I will definitely miss the two of them coming in every week.

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Pain that keeps getting worse and worse.

The pain has been getting worse everyday that goes on, I am still not 100% sure on what is causing it, have been to the doctors and have been prescribed 800mg ibuprofen with no effect. Doctors are a little worried that the medication that I have been prescribed, but they can’t give me much more for the pain, so back to the specialist, and find out exactly what it is. Doctors think they know what is causing all the pain, They think that it is Cysts. Please just keep me in your thoughts. I just want the pain to go away, or at least get smaller, because at the moment all that is happening is everyday it is getting worse and worse and it’s getting to a pain where I ask myself how much more/ longer can I take. Have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday hopefully I can get something that can help me with this pain

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6 Years today my little one.

Today marks 6 Years since my heart was ripped out of my body and crushed it to a million tiny pieces, I remember this day like it had just happened, I had been to my doctor a few weeks before finding out that you were gone, When i went to the doctor the only reason I had gone was because I had been bleeding for 3 weeks by this time, I knew that was not right, all I knew was that i was bleeding the doctor did nothing other than to tell me to keep an eye on it, 3 weeks later I went to the hospital and the first thing they asked me was “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” And my answer was “HELL NO” The nurse then says to me “you answered that fast, is there a reason that you answered so fast?” I replied and said “Well yes there is a reason, I just cant be.” She told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test and you know what sure as shit it came back as a POSITIVE and i freaked out, but by this time it was to late, So I found out that i was pregnant and also that I was losing the baby all at the same time, I did not know what I was meant to do, As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have children, I was destroyed. The day I can remember saying to myself that i wanted to have children was the day that I meet my first niece, she was the smallest and most beautiful thing I had seen, I was 8 years old when I became an Aunty and oh my I tell you I was so happy, I wanted to hold her all the time, never wanted to give her back, LOL.

I really thought things were getting so much easier when it came to this time of the year, I had learnt how to manage, I was alone when it came to this day, so I had just decided that i was going to block this time of the year out and just try and pretend that it had never happened because that is how I knew how to deal with it all, but now that I am with Kat (My Partner) Everything has changed, So many doors that I had shut have been opening, And for the whole of last week I was finding the lead up to today to be really hard, because now i am learning that I dont need to block things like this out, because I have someone that is here to go through all the good, bad and ugly with, and I am loving having someone to go through things with, but it is also really hard for me because I have been alone for so long I dont know how to let others in when it comes to these things, but I am learning, it is taking sometime but its happening.

I was doing okay today and then Kat and I went to the school to pick up Kat’s 9 year old Daughter and things were okay to start with then it all kind of just hit me, and i got all teary eyed and Kat asked me what was wrong but by this point i was so stuck and I was unable to talk because I did not want to just lose it and not be able to stop the tears, but the thing that got me the most was the fact that I should have been picking up My own 5 and a half year old up from school, but that was ripped away from me and I had no choose about it, nor did I even know that I was even growing that beautiful, Prefect little being, until it was to late and they were already gone, I could not do anything but feel like I had let my child down by not even knowing that it was there. I just sit here and hope that even though I did not know that I was growing this prefect being that they know that I loved it, when I found out, and that if I had not lost the child that they would have been the most loved and cared for child. Mummy Loves you HEAVENLY. xxoxx

 

^^^ MY OLDEST NIECE, THIS WAS THE ANGEL I WAS BLESSED WITH WHEN I WAS 8 ^^^

I now have 4 Nieces and a Nephew and I love them all so much.

 

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One Year Since Surgery!

It has now been a year since I had my breast reduction, and what a year it has been!

Today Also marks a year since I almost died twice because of internal bleeding and that was really scary for me and all the people that love me, too think that I could have passed away and not had the opportunity to be able to share my story with you all, all I have ever wanted to do by sharing my story is to help/ inspire someone,just one person, I hope that all the people that have read my story have been touched in some way, or that it has related to them or someone that they know.

When I went to the hospital the day of surgery (9th February 2017) I was so super excited because it was finally the day that my life was going to change in so many ways, but never did I think it would change in as many ways as it did, Having not only one but two near death experiences changes so much for a person, it also changes so much for all that are involved with that persons care, all the people that love that person, it does not only impact that person that is going through it. My surgeon had never had to go back and operate on anyone before, little lone go back twice, and to be honest with you I am so thankful that it was the same surgeon all three times that I had operated on, I trusted her with everything, my life was one of those things that I trusted her with, and if I was faced with this again I would put the same amount of trust in her, she is an amazing surgeon and I could not have asked for anyone better.

I remember so clearly almost like it was just today that it happened, how I was laying in recovery after the surgery feeling so relieved that I had finally had the surgery done, after waiting almost 2 years since I had started the process of the surgery, and then the surgeon come in and told me that they had to rush me back in before it was to late, I just cried, and thought to myself this is not how it is meant to go, I was meant to be in and out, have a few days in hospital until the drains come out and then I would be able to head home and start that recovery process round the people that loved me, but things did not go as planned, and that really crashed me. The nurse asked me if there was anyone one that I wanted to call when Theatre was being prepped and I said yes please, I need to call my best-friend and let her know what is happening, the nurse was going to get the phone for me, when another nurse come in and told me that there was no time for me to make that call things were getting worse and if I was not taken back now that I would die, so I told them not to call anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell people and I did not want to freak anyone out, but little did I know nor think that having not contacted my best-friend that she would get weird that she had not heard from me yet, she knew that something had gone wrong because of the fact that I did not make contact after about 7 hours.

Just as I thought that thing’s were starting to look up something changed and I was told at 4:30am on Friday the 10th February 2017 once again that they had to rush me back to Theatre because of internal bleeding, so I was heading back for my third lot of surgery, and something I was not fully aware of at the time was when I went back for the first time, I need to have a blood transfusion, and the same again this time around, I was honestly so scared, I thought that I was going to die, and if it was not for the surgeon and her team, and also all the amazing people that donate blood then I would have died and that is something that I often think about, I try not to think of it but it does often pop in to my head.

Then later that night I had my dad, stepmother and a couple of friends visit me, I was not 100% there, but I was happy to see people that I knew and that cared about me, and then the shock hit again when a nurse came in to the room and said I need to talk to Michelle alone, that is once again a moment when my heart was shattered, I was thinking no way, not again. My dad was really worried he did not know what to do, I remember a good friend of mine was there at the time, her name was Bron and she helped comfort my dad, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough, when everyone had left the room and the door was shut the nurse was telling me that I was still in quite a bad way and that I may need to go back again but first they were going to try another blood transfusion and also plasma transfusion, I was honestly so scared I could not think about going back in again, I was about to just lose it, my dad, stepmother and Bron came back in to the room and asked was everything okay, I remember saying well sort of but not really this is what they are going to try and it that does not work then they are going to take me back. My dad thought that he was going to lose me, and if I am honest I thought what will he do if I do die, I cant go like this. I stayed in hospital for 8 days, in in those 8 days I was a mess I was in so much pain, I was unable to eat most of those days because I felt to unwell to eat, I could not sleep because of the pain and I could not get comfortable, I had some quite low times that I have not told very many people that I had, I wanted to kill myself many times, I even asked some of the nurses if they could over dose me, because I could not handle it anymore, it was such a dark time for me, I am not someone whom normally cries and during these 8 days of being in hospital I cried a lot, I cried for hours some days.

My best-friend was in Hamilton where we both lived at the time, and I was in Whangarei because that is where the surgery was, because when I started the process I lived in Whangarei and there was no way that I was transferring the surgery because there was a change that if I did that the new DHB that I would be under would say look but sorry we cant do the surgery, so I just said I was still in Whangarei, because there was no way that I was not having that surgery, the dates were originally set for the 13th December 2016, but then at the end of November I got the phone call that I was hoping would never come, and that was to tell me that they had to change the dates, because they had to operate on someone with cancer and to be honest that was heartbreaking for me as I was so excited to have it finally coming up, but then at the same time the other persons was life and death as mine was not, I had helped give that person a better life. My best-friend was always right there at the end of a text, Facebook message, or phone call I am so thankful that even though she was not able to be there in person, she was still right there with me throughout the whole thing, I will also never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me in that time.

Photos from the surgery, This is the first time I have shared these photos publicly

 

** I had asked a dear friend of mine to write me a little something about how she has seen me change over the last year, she has been there a lot for me, and i thank her from the bottom of my heart. Bron Jenkins wrote the below about me, and I found it to be so very touching and so special, to be honest until I read this I was not aware of how special i was, nor the impact that I had on her, I am so thankful that we have the friendship that we do. Bron I love you so much..

 

Michelle has asked me to write a little about her journey over the past year, but all I can do is write from my perspective.

Let me first tell you how I met Michelle.  I met her in a previous job.  This loud young lady came walking into my workplace for an interview to get on a course I was running.  A colleague who knew her told me that although she had more than her share of issues, she was a ‘lovely wee girl’ and I should give her a chance…. I had already decided I was going to but that was just the confirmation I needed to take on this livewire.  Boy, what a challenge I was in for, and one of the hardest parts of my job was having to say goodbye to her when she left 😦

Anyway, walking into the hospital room after her surgery that day, I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly did not expect to find her deathly pale and her boobs looking like she had gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson!  I have to say I was more than a little concerned after she told me she had been rushed back in to Theatre a few hours after surgery as her bleeding hasn’t stopped and they were not sure she would not have to go back again (which she did).  Her Dad came in and while the surgeons were chatting to Michelle, I got the privilege of chatting to her Dad in the hallway as he was none too keen on the hospital environment, let alone with doctors in a tiny room hovering over his daughter with a multitude of machines and tubes everywhere!

Michelle had wanted this surgery for SO long, she had worked hard to do what the surgeons had asked of her, one, to stop smoking and two, to lose 10kgs.  Michelle achieved this (and more, she lost 20 kgs!!) and went in feeling pretty nervous but confident and happy she was finally getting the surgery she so desperately needed.  With double J breasts, life was a pain, literally!

Recovery has been a massive challenge for Michelle, because of the complications I think she found life got quite complicated, difficult  and totally not what she expected… no fairy-tale ending here…yet!  I can only speak from my perspective but I think this had a huge emotional effect on Michelle over the first few months with a lot of ups when she was feeling good and a lot of very, very dark downs.  She has managed to work through (and continues to do so) these with some awesome supportive friends and whanau.

I have to say, the amount of positive growing and learning Michelle has done on herself over the past year has been massive.  She really has blossomed and although she still struggles at times with life (don’t we all), she has become a strong independent women who knows what she wants and really goes for it.  She has a freedom that others would envy and the confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

HAPPY BOOBIVERSARY!!  Hang in there, the journey is not over yet and the best is yet to come!

Love you lots my girl! xxxoooxxx

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The Movie “BROKEN” How It Made Me Feel..

“Death comes for us all. But the Question Is: Are you ready when it comes?”

Link to the Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhke8cgrarU

I don’t really know how to start this or even what to write.. But here goes……..

Yesterday the 6th February 2017 I went and watched the movie “Broken” Oh my it was by far the best movie I have seen, very touching, and made me think a lot about so many things, but one thing I thought about the most was the impact that suicide will have on the people that are closest to me, thank you for that special insight. I cried though a lot of this movie. One person from City Impact Church (Whom bought this movie out) that has helped me a lot through my dark times and spaces, I’m not actually sure they know how much they had an impact on my life and have helped me in my life is Mary Kath Laita, and for that I owe a lot to her. Thank you Mary Kath Laita, I would not be where I am if it was not for your help and support..

Something else the movie has helped me with and helped me realize is that giving up one of my dreams to be in the relationship that I am in now with my partner, I have given up having children of my own for as long as I am with my partner for more then one reason, some of those reasons are my partner not being able to have children and another reason is that because of my partners age they are unsure if they could bring a child up, so there is no adopting or anything like that, it was a really big decision that I have made, and there is no way that I made that decision lightly, it was really hard for me, but the love that I have for my partner is a lot greater than anyone could have ever seen, there has been challenges in getting to where we are today as partners. Getting back to what else this amazing movie has helped me with is seeing some sort of light in giving the dream of having children up, the pain that Logan “the dad in the movie” felt when Tori “the daughter” was killed was hard to see, and made me some what thankful that I will never have to worry about ever feeling that pain, in some ways that is hard for me in its self but at the same time it is a big relief.

The part that hit me the most would have to be the part at the Funeral when Jess gets up and tells everyone how the night that Tori was killed, that Tori had actually saved Jess’s life because Jess had planned to kill herself that night, it hit me as hard as it did for more than one reason, one of those reasons is because one of the youth at the youth group that i attended and went on to be a leader at, she committed suicide a few years ago, she was only 15, she was such a bright, beautiful young women and I know that it impacted a lot of people, she is missed so much, if only she knew how many people cared about her, and that were always there for her no matter what, one of the other things is because of the amount of times that I have not only thought about killing myself but also the amount of times that I have attempted to kill myself, sometimes I find myself asking how it is that I am still alive? don’t get me wrong I am so happy, thankful and blessed to still be alive, but honestly the amount of pills I have taken I should have died but I am still here and I cant begin to tell you what that means to me for me to still be alive and to be able to sit here and be able to be writing this and hopefully helping someone, just one person that had sat there and thought of suicide or the person that is sitting here reading this at the time that they are thinking about suicide, if that is you, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it may not seem that way right now, but i have been in that place where i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am and I can see that light, I suffer from depression, I still have my days that are bad, i still sometimes think of ending it, but I am also at that point where I know that there are people that care and that would be destroyed if anything happened to me, I also have ways to get through that hurt and pain without turning to trying to hurt myself/ kill myself. there are so many helplines that are there to help you and support you, some of the ones that are here in New Zealand are: Youth-line: 0800 376 633, or Free text Youth-line on 234, Depression-line: 0800 111 757, Mental Health Line: 0800 881 747, this is just some of the places that are here to help and support you…

I actually remember a phone call that I got from my dad to tell me that one of his friends children was dead, I asked him how, what happened and I knew as soon as my dad went quite, he did not really want to tell me how they had died, but I knew from the silence what had happened but i wanted to hear it out of my dad’s mouth, he started to get all teary eyed and told me that he had killed himself, and I was crushed, i felt for his friends, and family but mostly for his parents, (his mother was always there when i was at my low points, when i was thinking of killing myself.) The next words out of my dad’s mouth crushed me even more, my dad started to cry and said to me I am so glad that it was not one of my children, and I know that all three of dads children have been in that dark place, in that place where we have thought what is the point, that things would be so much better if we were no longer alive.

 

 

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The Battle’s in Jan 2018

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Lately I have been having quite a bit of pain in my breasts, which is to be expected so they say, the hardest part in all of this is that they have told me that I maybe in pain for the rest of my life, but it was still worth having the surgery, the positives of the surgery far out weigh the negatives. The pain has made walking that much harder, and when I say that I mean i can not walk as far as i could before the surgery because of the pain. I have tried to self manage the pain without taking pain medication, because I find that it has very little effect on me, but as of late I have been taking pain medication, because I have been getting to the point of almost crying because of the the pain, the only thing is that when I have taken the pain medication, I have been getting flashback and I get all chocked up, Because of the times that i have not made the smartest decisions in my life, and have taken things in to my own hands because of my depression and have hurt myself, hurting myself is a thing of the past now, I am in a much better place now, I have learnt other ways to deal with my depression that does not involve hurting myself.

The two photos above are of me, they were taken in the last two days.

I have been happy, in fact I am feeling content, I really do miss my best-friend and Godchildren whom are 782km away from me, It defiantly has been hard not being with them, but I am thankful for things like Facebook where we can still talk, today was one of those days where I almost lost it because I got messages from all three of my Godchildren, my best-friend was saying that when she told my 2 year old Goddaughter to come and say hello that she got so excited and just sprinted to the phone, that put a huge smile on my face, I got that feeling of butterflies when my Godchildren messaged me, and I just screamed because I was so excited and happy to hear their little voices, and my youngest Godson was so cute he was talking away and when he was told to say good-bye he did not want to he just sat in silence for a bit then continued talking away, the little cutie. 

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First blog for 2018

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I have not been round much in the last few months, that is because I have had so much on my mind, and plate, things have been a bit up and down a bit like a roller coaster, one of the things that has been impacting me the most is the death of my granddad, it has been 17 months but most days it still feels like it was just yesterday, it hits me so hard some days where I get to the point where I feel like I am unable to breathe, I sit here wishing that I could see you that one last time,give you that one last hug, tell you want you mean to me, but that is not possible, well I can tell you what you mean to me, it just wont be face to face. I am not one that normally cries, but a few nights ago, I lay with my partner and we were talking and my granddad came up and I fully just started to cry, i was just so happy that when i did start crying that i was in the arms of the love of my life, Thank you to my partner for being there for me, I would be so lost without you babe, I am so very blessed to have you in my life, I don’t even remember falling asleep that night.

 

 

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Black Sheep

I sit here looking back at everything that has happened in the last year, alot has happened and alot of that has been so hard for me, going in to surgery excited for a new start in life, I had such high expectations of the surgery changing so much in my life, and in some ways life has changed, well to be honest my whole life has changed since surgery, just not in the ways that I thought it would.

When I first told my dad that I was going to have surgery he was not the happiest, he could not see why I would want to have surgery, but he came around to the idea, and everytime I spoke to him he would ask me if I had a date yet, he got really excited because he could now see why I was going to have the surgery, and his support meant everything to me, knowing that my dad was on board with something that I was doing felt amazing. 

I am the black sheep of my family and that will never change, I was such a disappointment to my family, especially my dad, I am his only girl and his baby and that will never change but I lived a life that my dad never approved and I have hurt him in so many ways and that was never my intention, but I’m not the perfect little girl he thought I was, I try my hardest to do things that will make him happy and proud of me, but with everything I do, I just seem to disappoint him even more, all I ever want is to show my dad that I am doing my best, I want him to be proud of his little girl, I want his blessings with the things that I do, but I just seem to be going in the wrong direction to make him proud, I’m sure I will make him proud one day, but until then all I can do is keep trying to keep going with my life. 
There are things in my life that I have not told people because I am scared of the disapproval, but I am living my life my way and not anyone else’s way, I have finally started to see that I have to put myself first and honestly that is so hard for me, because I have lived helping others and putting others first and that has just been me, I am finding this other life I have started really hard, I don’t really know how to put myself first. 

Something else that I am finding really hard is that I am in a relationship now and I am so happy with my partner, my partner can’t have kids and I have always wanted children, but that was never an issue because there are so many other ways of having children, my bestie asked me one day if I would give up having children to be with my partner and my answer was YES I would, but I did not think I would have to because of the many ways that I could be a parent, even though my partner is unable to have kids, as of this week me and my partner has spoken and they have told me that they don’t think at their age that they could do the whole parent thing, and that’s okay because I will do anything to be with them including making one of the hard decisions that I have had to think about in my life and that is respecting my partner with the fact that they don’t want children, I am still trying to get my head around this but that’s also okay, my partner said to me that they don’t want to stop me from being happy and they are worried that this is going to make me unhappy, and with them knowing that I have depression and some of the things I have done in the past because of my depression, it’s hard for them but I am so happy when I am with my partner, they bring the best out in me, and that is all I want in life, is to be the best me I can be, I can’t see life without them, children or not, I am dedicated to them I don’t want to live life without them, i fell so deeply in love with my partner, not for what they have or don’t have but for them, I saw the inside and that is what I love about them, they are just like me in so many ways they just want to make others happy. I sit here laughing because I wonder what on earth they see in me, why they are happy with me, they care so much about my happiness and that is beautiful, I guess others see a different side to what we ourselves see. I always want to ask are you sure you want to be with me knowing how I get sometimes, but love is such an amazing, beautiful thing, I can’t stop thinking about my partner no matter what, I catch my self smiling everytime I think of them, I want to spend the rest of our life’s together no matter what happens I am here for the long run, at the moment we are doing long distance, my partner lives over 400 kilometres away from each other and yes that is so hard for us both, but we are making it work. I have never felt this way about anyone ever before, I had shut so much of myself off, and my partner has opened those doors back up, and I am so thankful for that there is noone else I would rather have open those parts that I had shut off, I love them whole heartedly and I would not want them to change anything. I love them exactly how they are, and will support anything that they choose to do, I know that there will be people that do not agree with this but I’m happy and that should be all that matters