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Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

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Posted in 110%, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Young

Three in One

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         When you find out you are not as ready as you thought  to give something up!! 

I really thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance, knowing I had given up the dream of having children, I was okay knowing that in my current relationship, that having children was not something I could do/have for a number of reasons, but today it has occurred to me how wrong I was thinking that it was something I was okay with, the moment I walked in to that house and the 13 day old baby was there my heart melted, it jumped out of my body, my heart was that gorgeous baby’s, I needed her in my life, I needed to be able to give that baby my love. I don’t think that I realized how much I was going to give up, I was not just giving up on a dream, or having a child, I was giving up a big part of me, can I really give it up? I love Kat so much that I really did think I could give it up, but after today I am really re thinking all of that, it has hit me so hard, seeing a child so tiny and in need.

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When you lose someone that you did not realize meant so much!!!

So today the 1st April 2018 I went to work and it was just like any other day at work, happy customers came and went, we were quite a bit busier than a normal Sunday, it was all ticking along until the manager come to me and said “You remember the two older customers that come every single week, my reply ” yes, the ones that always sit at table 1, he always brings his red wine, and she always has an apple juice?” She said “Yes, that is the ones, well he passed away last week” I was, and still am really crushed and quite sad, because I tell you this, they were one of the nicest customers, always so lovely, he would pay in cash every week and she would get the change, it was really quite cute, I am still in shock and kind of think no surely not, surely he is not dead. I will definitely miss the two of them coming in every week.

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Pain that keeps getting worse and worse.

The pain has been getting worse everyday that goes on, I am still not 100% sure on what is causing it, have been to the doctors and have been prescribed 800mg ibuprofen with no effect. Doctors are a little worried that the medication that I have been prescribed, but they can’t give me much more for the pain, so back to the specialist, and find out exactly what it is. Doctors think they know what is causing all the pain, They think that it is Cysts. Please just keep me in your thoughts. I just want the pain to go away, or at least get smaller, because at the moment all that is happening is everyday it is getting worse and worse and it’s getting to a pain where I ask myself how much more/ longer can I take. Have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday hopefully I can get something that can help me with this pain

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me.