Posted in 110%, 2k17, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Lost Over 40kg, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

A couple of things..

Something that is a bit out of the box of talked about things is periods, I’m going to talk about it in this blog.

I have noticed that for the last 8 months since I had to have several blood transfusions, when I get my period I am so drained and I get so moody, the pain from my periods are worse, they have become heavier, and some days I get to the point where I can get ready light headed. 

I am guessing that it has something to do with the amount of blood that was lost from the internal bleeding, and the amount of time it takes to recover from having to have a blood transfusion. 

I am really loving the feed back that I am getting from the people that read my blogs and all the questions I’m being asked, if there is anything that you relate to and want to ask something don’t be shy to ask me, if I can help I will do my best to do so.      I know some people will be sitting there thinking that I am so young surely she can’t have been through all of that, yes you would be right in the fact that I am young, but it goes to show that things can happen to anyone of us at any part of your life’s. And if I’m honest I am actually blessed to have had everything that has happened to me to have happened at such a young age it means I have the option to change things and make sure the rest of my life is going to be as great as I make it, yes there is still going to be great huge challenges ahead but I am the only one that can change that and I have learnt so much in my 25 years here. 

This photo is me just knowing that I am free to be me, I have accepted that people think shit about me but that says more about them, then it does me. And what it is that I am doing when I’m being free, that they need to work on in themselves. I’m just spreading live where it’s needed. Lol. I have found a new love for myself, and I am getting so many blessings from finding the inner love, it’s powerful. 

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Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do.