Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth

💖This is so beautiful💖

This was written about me by someone that knows and loves me. 
My sweet, sweet friend

  • Interviewed for The Project TV show Featured on stuff.co.nz news
  • Guest speaker on Mike Kings “The Nutters Club” Newstalk ZB radio show
  • Guest speaker at ‘Empowering Women’ event in Hamilton, New Zealand
  • Headliner in NZ magazines
  • Lost 44kg (97lbs) in 9 months
  • Mental health advocate

Impressive, right? Written down, bulleted, and, although its just naming a few of your achievements, it looks amazing; your journey. I’m so proud of you. Theres no other story I enjoy hearing, revisiting, and, learning from, than yours; my sweet, sweet friend. My sister. My “shell”.

It wasn’t always this impressive though, was it my friend. I was there before you blossomed. I sat with you in what you saw as darkness. In that darkness. . .you blinded your mind from seeing how much light you were illuminating. 

I could see it, in full force. You inspired me. You still inspire me. When people tell you that your journey is inspiring…believe them. You still, in some ways, sit in the dark. . .
thats okay to.

Blossomed into a beautiful rose, the beauty of your becoming has gone unnoticed. How you came to blossom has never been told. From your soil, to your roots, to the stem of you, right down to the bud opening up. No one else got to see that, but me; the rose next to you. 

I saw you as the thorn on the rose, with that tough, hard, prickled exterior; you didn’t want anyone to touch you, come near you, or see you. You wanted to be that thorn though, didn’t you? You wanted to be the thorn. The thorn is what you thought protected you from predators.

But you didn’t really want to be the thorn that pricked everyone that came into contact with you, did you? My sweet, sweet friend. No. You wanted to be the rose that everyone admired, picked and loved so much. 
You didn’t realise in order to become the rose, you needed to see yourself as that beautiful rose, because you already were…that beautiful rose; you were growing into that beautiful rose.

 From the rose next to you, you could never see the shape of you, the mould of you, even the shape of the base of your thorn was soft and smooth. 
Beauty can be found in everything.

You, the thorn, sprung from a pillar of strength, a towering giant, your stem; the center of what made you, you. 

I also saw your roots. Your roots that became the thorn and the stem. I saw the core of you. At the core of you, I saw the richness of your soil. I saw how beautifully spanned your roots were and how those roots just needed nutrients, love and patience in developing. 

Your journey…though not seen by many, has such depth. Your roots, deep. Although they were tangled, with that bit of time, patience, love and the right nutrients, your roots detangled, one by one and spread like a fire. You became deep rooted, and gave birth to the beautiful rose you are today. 

Life would just so have it, that for a while, while we grew, that we would just so happen to share the same plot of soil for a while. I can’t thank you enough, as the rose next to you, for enriching my roots, and my soil. You helped me grow with all your nutrients, even though you didn’t know you were at the time. I’m glad I shared that soil, with you. 

The center of you always stood tall, it grew to be a giant! You towered above me in your growth and I looked up to your growth. That’s all I could see…was growth.  I admired how tall you stood. You always have stood out from all the rest! So proud of you! 

Love you always. Never stop blooming! 

We really do have the best friendship.