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Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

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Posted in 110%, 2k12, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Heavenly, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

6 Years today my little one.

Today marks 6 Years since my heart was ripped out of my body and crushed it to a million tiny pieces, I remember this day like it had just happened, I had been to my doctor a few weeks before finding out that you were gone, When i went to the doctor the only reason I had gone was because I had been bleeding for 3 weeks by this time, I knew that was not right, all I knew was that i was bleeding the doctor did nothing other than to tell me to keep an eye on it, 3 weeks later I went to the hospital and the first thing they asked me was “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” And my answer was “HELL NO” The nurse then says to me “you answered that fast, is there a reason that you answered so fast?” I replied and said “Well yes there is a reason, I just cant be.” She told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test and you know what sure as shit it came back as a POSITIVE and i freaked out, but by this time it was to late, So I found out that i was pregnant and also that I was losing the baby all at the same time, I did not know what I was meant to do, As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have children, I was destroyed. The day I can remember saying to myself that i wanted to have children was the day that I meet my first niece, she was the smallest and most beautiful thing I had seen, I was 8 years old when I became an Aunty and oh my I tell you I was so happy, I wanted to hold her all the time, never wanted to give her back, LOL.

I really thought things were getting so much easier when it came to this time of the year, I had learnt how to manage, I was alone when it came to this day, so I had just decided that i was going to block this time of the year out and just try and pretend that it had never happened because that is how I knew how to deal with it all, but now that I am with Kat (My Partner) Everything has changed, So many doors that I had shut have been opening, And for the whole of last week I was finding the lead up to today to be really hard, because now i am learning that I dont need to block things like this out, because I have someone that is here to go through all the good, bad and ugly with, and I am loving having someone to go through things with, but it is also really hard for me because I have been alone for so long I dont know how to let others in when it comes to these things, but I am learning, it is taking sometime but its happening.

I was doing okay today and then Kat and I went to the school to pick up Kat’s 9 year old Daughter and things were okay to start with then it all kind of just hit me, and i got all teary eyed and Kat asked me what was wrong but by this point i was so stuck and I was unable to talk because I did not want to just lose it and not be able to stop the tears, but the thing that got me the most was the fact that I should have been picking up My own 5 and a half year old up from school, but that was ripped away from me and I had no choose about it, nor did I even know that I was even growing that beautiful, Prefect little being, until it was to late and they were already gone, I could not do anything but feel like I had let my child down by not even knowing that it was there. I just sit here and hope that even though I did not know that I was growing this prefect being that they know that I loved it, when I found out, and that if I had not lost the child that they would have been the most loved and cared for child. Mummy Loves you HEAVENLY. xxoxx

 

^^^ MY OLDEST NIECE, THIS WAS THE ANGEL I WAS BLESSED WITH WHEN I WAS 8 ^^^

I now have 4 Nieces and a Nephew and I love them all so much.

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

The Movie “BROKEN” How It Made Me Feel..

“Death comes for us all. But the Question Is: Are you ready when it comes?”

Link to the Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhke8cgrarU

I don’t really know how to start this or even what to write.. But here goes……..

Yesterday the 6th February 2017 I went and watched the movie “Broken” Oh my it was by far the best movie I have seen, very touching, and made me think a lot about so many things, but one thing I thought about the most was the impact that suicide will have on the people that are closest to me, thank you for that special insight. I cried though a lot of this movie. One person from City Impact Church (Whom bought this movie out) that has helped me a lot through my dark times and spaces, I’m not actually sure they know how much they had an impact on my life and have helped me in my life is Mary Kath Laita, and for that I owe a lot to her. Thank you Mary Kath Laita, I would not be where I am if it was not for your help and support..

Something else the movie has helped me with and helped me realize is that giving up one of my dreams to be in the relationship that I am in now with my partner, I have given up having children of my own for as long as I am with my partner for more then one reason, some of those reasons are my partner not being able to have children and another reason is that because of my partners age they are unsure if they could bring a child up, so there is no adopting or anything like that, it was a really big decision that I have made, and there is no way that I made that decision lightly, it was really hard for me, but the love that I have for my partner is a lot greater than anyone could have ever seen, there has been challenges in getting to where we are today as partners. Getting back to what else this amazing movie has helped me with is seeing some sort of light in giving the dream of having children up, the pain that Logan “the dad in the movie” felt when Tori “the daughter” was killed was hard to see, and made me some what thankful that I will never have to worry about ever feeling that pain, in some ways that is hard for me in its self but at the same time it is a big relief.

The part that hit me the most would have to be the part at the Funeral when Jess gets up and tells everyone how the night that Tori was killed, that Tori had actually saved Jess’s life because Jess had planned to kill herself that night, it hit me as hard as it did for more than one reason, one of those reasons is because one of the youth at the youth group that i attended and went on to be a leader at, she committed suicide a few years ago, she was only 15, she was such a bright, beautiful young women and I know that it impacted a lot of people, she is missed so much, if only she knew how many people cared about her, and that were always there for her no matter what, one of the other things is because of the amount of times that I have not only thought about killing myself but also the amount of times that I have attempted to kill myself, sometimes I find myself asking how it is that I am still alive? don’t get me wrong I am so happy, thankful and blessed to still be alive, but honestly the amount of pills I have taken I should have died but I am still here and I cant begin to tell you what that means to me for me to still be alive and to be able to sit here and be able to be writing this and hopefully helping someone, just one person that had sat there and thought of suicide or the person that is sitting here reading this at the time that they are thinking about suicide, if that is you, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it may not seem that way right now, but i have been in that place where i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am and I can see that light, I suffer from depression, I still have my days that are bad, i still sometimes think of ending it, but I am also at that point where I know that there are people that care and that would be destroyed if anything happened to me, I also have ways to get through that hurt and pain without turning to trying to hurt myself/ kill myself. there are so many helplines that are there to help you and support you, some of the ones that are here in New Zealand are: Youth-line: 0800 376 633, or Free text Youth-line on 234, Depression-line: 0800 111 757, Mental Health Line: 0800 881 747, this is just some of the places that are here to help and support you…

I actually remember a phone call that I got from my dad to tell me that one of his friends children was dead, I asked him how, what happened and I knew as soon as my dad went quite, he did not really want to tell me how they had died, but I knew from the silence what had happened but i wanted to hear it out of my dad’s mouth, he started to get all teary eyed and told me that he had killed himself, and I was crushed, i felt for his friends, and family but mostly for his parents, (his mother was always there when i was at my low points, when i was thinking of killing myself.) The next words out of my dad’s mouth crushed me even more, my dad started to cry and said to me I am so glad that it was not one of my children, and I know that all three of dads children have been in that dark place, in that place where we have thought what is the point, that things would be so much better if we were no longer alive.

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points.