Posted in 110%, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

Exactly how I feel

This is exactly how it is right now, I can officially say that we both feel the same way I love you so much. I’m not scared to say now. 
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help how much I love you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

I often question why it’s you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what, I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.                       ☝️️☝️☝

️The above was written before I went on holiday. Yes before you ask this person is the reason that I went to Wellington. 

👇👇👇

Now that I have been down and spent the week with you I know 💯% that I was indeed right with everything that I felt before I came down. 

I enjoyed every moment that I had with you, I did not know I could feel most of the feelings that I feel when I think of you, or when I’m there next to you, with me getting to know you that much  and you getting to know me that  much more. I look forward to seeing what lays in the future for is both, and where this leads us, yes I’m scared but it’s the best scared feeling, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of you of see your amazing face. I am so blessed that we both feel the same way about one and other. Thank you for trusting me enough to even give us a go. I love you to the moon and back. Miss you,more than anyone would understand,not even I understand. ❤️😍😘❤️😍😘

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Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points. 

Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth

💖This is so beautiful💖

This was written about me by someone that knows and loves me. 
My sweet, sweet friend

  • Interviewed for The Project TV show Featured on stuff.co.nz news
  • Guest speaker on Mike Kings “The Nutters Club” Newstalk ZB radio show
  • Guest speaker at ‘Empowering Women’ event in Hamilton, New Zealand
  • Headliner in NZ magazines
  • Lost 44kg (97lbs) in 9 months
  • Mental health advocate

Impressive, right? Written down, bulleted, and, although its just naming a few of your achievements, it looks amazing; your journey. I’m so proud of you. Theres no other story I enjoy hearing, revisiting, and, learning from, than yours; my sweet, sweet friend. My sister. My “shell”.

It wasn’t always this impressive though, was it my friend. I was there before you blossomed. I sat with you in what you saw as darkness. In that darkness. . .you blinded your mind from seeing how much light you were illuminating. 

I could see it, in full force. You inspired me. You still inspire me. When people tell you that your journey is inspiring…believe them. You still, in some ways, sit in the dark. . .
thats okay to.

Blossomed into a beautiful rose, the beauty of your becoming has gone unnoticed. How you came to blossom has never been told. From your soil, to your roots, to the stem of you, right down to the bud opening up. No one else got to see that, but me; the rose next to you. 

I saw you as the thorn on the rose, with that tough, hard, prickled exterior; you didn’t want anyone to touch you, come near you, or see you. You wanted to be that thorn though, didn’t you? You wanted to be the thorn. The thorn is what you thought protected you from predators.

But you didn’t really want to be the thorn that pricked everyone that came into contact with you, did you? My sweet, sweet friend. No. You wanted to be the rose that everyone admired, picked and loved so much. 
You didn’t realise in order to become the rose, you needed to see yourself as that beautiful rose, because you already were…that beautiful rose; you were growing into that beautiful rose.

 From the rose next to you, you could never see the shape of you, the mould of you, even the shape of the base of your thorn was soft and smooth. 
Beauty can be found in everything.

You, the thorn, sprung from a pillar of strength, a towering giant, your stem; the center of what made you, you. 

I also saw your roots. Your roots that became the thorn and the stem. I saw the core of you. At the core of you, I saw the richness of your soil. I saw how beautifully spanned your roots were and how those roots just needed nutrients, love and patience in developing. 

Your journey…though not seen by many, has such depth. Your roots, deep. Although they were tangled, with that bit of time, patience, love and the right nutrients, your roots detangled, one by one and spread like a fire. You became deep rooted, and gave birth to the beautiful rose you are today. 

Life would just so have it, that for a while, while we grew, that we would just so happen to share the same plot of soil for a while. I can’t thank you enough, as the rose next to you, for enriching my roots, and my soil. You helped me grow with all your nutrients, even though you didn’t know you were at the time. I’m glad I shared that soil, with you. 

The center of you always stood tall, it grew to be a giant! You towered above me in your growth and I looked up to your growth. That’s all I could see…was growth.  I admired how tall you stood. You always have stood out from all the rest! So proud of you! 

Love you always. Never stop blooming! 

We really do have the best friendship. 

Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking

??????

What is it that you like about yourself. 

Here is some of the things that I love about myself: 

  • I love that I am a loving person.
  • I love that I am good at photography.
  • I love how strong I am.
  • I love that I can feel pain (I know that this probably sounds crazy, but here is why, I love that I can feel pain because “pain” has grown me so much, I would not be the person that I am now, if it were not for being able to feel all the pain that I have been able to feel even when it is bloody hard. 
  • I love that I can accept myself for me.
  • I love that I can enjoy life.
  • I love that I have an amazing family. (Both blood and non blood)
  • I love that I walk
  • I love that I am fun
  • I love that I have become something that my family is proud of.
  • I am love what I have become.
    Posted in 110%, All Or Nothing, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Open, Sharing, Strength, Success

    I use to pretend to be happy

    I can now sit here and honestly say I was a professional masker, people would tell me how happy I looked, and how I was always so positive, but the honest truth is that it is not always the way, on the inside there was world war 3 going on, it was so hard, but I did not want anyone to see what was going on for me, I was embarrassed and felt so ashamed, but there was nothing to feel that way about, everyone that loved me, was and still is there for me, some even more so now that they know that I am human and I have emotions just like everyone else, I can show that im like everyone else. I still have my times where I will mask my emotions from some people but most of the time I can be honest and show how I am truly feeling, sometimes I mask because I want to feel happy,I know that this may seem weird but sometimes when I mask it can set something off and I will smile because I remember that I do have so many positive things in my life. 9/10 times I smile now, is real. I love myself.  Its a work in progress but it always will be. Just keep going, be real.

    I started to forget who I really was because of that mask, but now that I dont need that mask as much I can see the real me, and so can everyone else, and I love the real me alot more than the fake/ masking me, there is no point in trying to be someone else, there is only one of you and you can never be replaced. Love yourself.

    Posted in Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Hard, Journey, Love., Sharing, Walking

    Feeling better about myself.

    I bought a dress last week, and if im honest I did not know how it was going to look, even when I put it on after I got home, I was still unsure of it, I did not think it looked any good one me, but I thought you know what im going to wear it and im sure it will grow on me. And I wore it and posted a pic on facebook and so many people thought I looked amazing in it, and you know what they were right. I feel so good about myself at the moment, I feel free, happy, ect.

    This is the dress above.

    Photo credit: K Hamilton