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Feeling SAD and LOST

I dont even know how to put my words on to paper……        …….But here goes…….
Over the last month or so I have been quite sad and lost, It feels like I am losing the people that I care about the most, I feel like I am so distant from the people that love me the most and that I love the most and that hurts, I am so in love with my partner, she is the most amazing partner, she treats me like I am a queen and I dont deserve to be treated this amazing (I know people are going to disagree) I have been feeling like our relationship is a bit off and I know that it is me, I have been pushing her away, I am so scared and I know that it is the wrong thing to do.
Date night last Thursday with this stunning woman, The love of my life my one and only, the person I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much babe and hope for many, many more date nights like this one. (We went and watched Hereditary) So excited to be going to the movies with my babe.
Our date was so perfect, after our movie we drove the long way home and went round the beach front and looked at the beautiful reflections. We had the best night.
I love Kat with everything that I have, every breathe I take is worth so much more now that Kat is in my life. I am so thankful that I meet Kat, I must say “ I really did not think that it would end like this, I never thought that we would ever be able to be in a partnership, but yet here I am… Happy in love. “
Kat has bought a new meaning to my life.

I really love this photo of Kat and I. This was taken a couple of weeks ago. Xxoxx

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Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Best-Friend, Black Sheep, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Granddad, Hard, Heartbroken, Heavenly, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Young

Three in One

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         When you find out you are not as ready as you thought  to give something up!! 

I really thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance, knowing I had given up the dream of having children, I was okay knowing that in my current relationship, that having children was not something I could do/have for a number of reasons, but today it has occurred to me how wrong I was thinking that it was something I was okay with, the moment I walked in to that house and the 13 day old baby was there my heart melted, it jumped out of my body, my heart was that gorgeous baby’s, I needed her in my life, I needed to be able to give that baby my love. I don’t think that I realized how much I was going to give up, I was not just giving up on a dream, or having a child, I was giving up a big part of me, can I really give it up? I love Kat so much that I really did think I could give it up, but after today I am really re thinking all of that, it has hit me so hard, seeing a child so tiny and in need.

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When you lose someone that you did not realize meant so much!!!

So today the 1st April 2018 I went to work and it was just like any other day at work, happy customers came and went, we were quite a bit busier than a normal Sunday, it was all ticking along until the manager come to me and said “You remember the two older customers that come every single week, my reply ” yes, the ones that always sit at table 1, he always brings his red wine, and she always has an apple juice?” She said “Yes, that is the ones, well he passed away last week” I was, and still am really crushed and quite sad, because I tell you this, they were one of the nicest customers, always so lovely, he would pay in cash every week and she would get the change, it was really quite cute, I am still in shock and kind of think no surely not, surely he is not dead. I will definitely miss the two of them coming in every week.

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Pain that keeps getting worse and worse.

The pain has been getting worse everyday that goes on, I am still not 100% sure on what is causing it, have been to the doctors and have been prescribed 800mg ibuprofen with no effect. Doctors are a little worried that the medication that I have been prescribed, but they can’t give me much more for the pain, so back to the specialist, and find out exactly what it is. Doctors think they know what is causing all the pain, They think that it is Cysts. Please just keep me in your thoughts. I just want the pain to go away, or at least get smaller, because at the moment all that is happening is everyday it is getting worse and worse and it’s getting to a pain where I ask myself how much more/ longer can I take. Have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday hopefully I can get something that can help me with this pain

Posted in 110%, 2k12, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Heavenly, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

6 Years today my little one.

Today marks 6 Years since my heart was ripped out of my body and crushed it to a million tiny pieces, I remember this day like it had just happened, I had been to my doctor a few weeks before finding out that you were gone, When i went to the doctor the only reason I had gone was because I had been bleeding for 3 weeks by this time, I knew that was not right, all I knew was that i was bleeding the doctor did nothing other than to tell me to keep an eye on it, 3 weeks later I went to the hospital and the first thing they asked me was “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” And my answer was “HELL NO” The nurse then says to me “you answered that fast, is there a reason that you answered so fast?” I replied and said “Well yes there is a reason, I just cant be.” She told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test and you know what sure as shit it came back as a POSITIVE and i freaked out, but by this time it was to late, So I found out that i was pregnant and also that I was losing the baby all at the same time, I did not know what I was meant to do, As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have children, I was destroyed. The day I can remember saying to myself that i wanted to have children was the day that I meet my first niece, she was the smallest and most beautiful thing I had seen, I was 8 years old when I became an Aunty and oh my I tell you I was so happy, I wanted to hold her all the time, never wanted to give her back, LOL.

I really thought things were getting so much easier when it came to this time of the year, I had learnt how to manage, I was alone when it came to this day, so I had just decided that i was going to block this time of the year out and just try and pretend that it had never happened because that is how I knew how to deal with it all, but now that I am with Kat (My Partner) Everything has changed, So many doors that I had shut have been opening, And for the whole of last week I was finding the lead up to today to be really hard, because now i am learning that I dont need to block things like this out, because I have someone that is here to go through all the good, bad and ugly with, and I am loving having someone to go through things with, but it is also really hard for me because I have been alone for so long I dont know how to let others in when it comes to these things, but I am learning, it is taking sometime but its happening.

I was doing okay today and then Kat and I went to the school to pick up Kat’s 9 year old Daughter and things were okay to start with then it all kind of just hit me, and i got all teary eyed and Kat asked me what was wrong but by this point i was so stuck and I was unable to talk because I did not want to just lose it and not be able to stop the tears, but the thing that got me the most was the fact that I should have been picking up My own 5 and a half year old up from school, but that was ripped away from me and I had no choose about it, nor did I even know that I was even growing that beautiful, Prefect little being, until it was to late and they were already gone, I could not do anything but feel like I had let my child down by not even knowing that it was there. I just sit here and hope that even though I did not know that I was growing this prefect being that they know that I loved it, when I found out, and that if I had not lost the child that they would have been the most loved and cared for child. Mummy Loves you HEAVENLY. xxoxx

 

^^^ MY OLDEST NIECE, THIS WAS THE ANGEL I WAS BLESSED WITH WHEN I WAS 8 ^^^

I now have 4 Nieces and a Nephew and I love them all so much.

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Best-Friend, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Godchildren, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Warmth, Year, Young

One Year Since Surgery!

It has now been a year since I had my breast reduction, and what a year it has been!

Today Also marks a year since I almost died twice because of internal bleeding and that was really scary for me and all the people that love me, too think that I could have passed away and not had the opportunity to be able to share my story with you all, all I have ever wanted to do by sharing my story is to help/ inspire someone,just one person, I hope that all the people that have read my story have been touched in some way, or that it has related to them or someone that they know.

When I went to the hospital the day of surgery (9th February 2017) I was so super excited because it was finally the day that my life was going to change in so many ways, but never did I think it would change in as many ways as it did, Having not only one but two near death experiences changes so much for a person, it also changes so much for all that are involved with that persons care, all the people that love that person, it does not only impact that person that is going through it. My surgeon had never had to go back and operate on anyone before, little lone go back twice, and to be honest with you I am so thankful that it was the same surgeon all three times that I had operated on, I trusted her with everything, my life was one of those things that I trusted her with, and if I was faced with this again I would put the same amount of trust in her, she is an amazing surgeon and I could not have asked for anyone better.

I remember so clearly almost like it was just today that it happened, how I was laying in recovery after the surgery feeling so relieved that I had finally had the surgery done, after waiting almost 2 years since I had started the process of the surgery, and then the surgeon come in and told me that they had to rush me back in before it was to late, I just cried, and thought to myself this is not how it is meant to go, I was meant to be in and out, have a few days in hospital until the drains come out and then I would be able to head home and start that recovery process round the people that loved me, but things did not go as planned, and that really crashed me. The nurse asked me if there was anyone one that I wanted to call when Theatre was being prepped and I said yes please, I need to call my best-friend and let her know what is happening, the nurse was going to get the phone for me, when another nurse come in and told me that there was no time for me to make that call things were getting worse and if I was not taken back now that I would die, so I told them not to call anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell people and I did not want to freak anyone out, but little did I know nor think that having not contacted my best-friend that she would get weird that she had not heard from me yet, she knew that something had gone wrong because of the fact that I did not make contact after about 7 hours.

Just as I thought that thing’s were starting to look up something changed and I was told at 4:30am on Friday the 10th February 2017 once again that they had to rush me back to Theatre because of internal bleeding, so I was heading back for my third lot of surgery, and something I was not fully aware of at the time was when I went back for the first time, I need to have a blood transfusion, and the same again this time around, I was honestly so scared, I thought that I was going to die, and if it was not for the surgeon and her team, and also all the amazing people that donate blood then I would have died and that is something that I often think about, I try not to think of it but it does often pop in to my head.

Then later that night I had my dad, stepmother and a couple of friends visit me, I was not 100% there, but I was happy to see people that I knew and that cared about me, and then the shock hit again when a nurse came in to the room and said I need to talk to Michelle alone, that is once again a moment when my heart was shattered, I was thinking no way, not again. My dad was really worried he did not know what to do, I remember a good friend of mine was there at the time, her name was Bron and she helped comfort my dad, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough, when everyone had left the room and the door was shut the nurse was telling me that I was still in quite a bad way and that I may need to go back again but first they were going to try another blood transfusion and also plasma transfusion, I was honestly so scared I could not think about going back in again, I was about to just lose it, my dad, stepmother and Bron came back in to the room and asked was everything okay, I remember saying well sort of but not really this is what they are going to try and it that does not work then they are going to take me back. My dad thought that he was going to lose me, and if I am honest I thought what will he do if I do die, I cant go like this. I stayed in hospital for 8 days, in in those 8 days I was a mess I was in so much pain, I was unable to eat most of those days because I felt to unwell to eat, I could not sleep because of the pain and I could not get comfortable, I had some quite low times that I have not told very many people that I had, I wanted to kill myself many times, I even asked some of the nurses if they could over dose me, because I could not handle it anymore, it was such a dark time for me, I am not someone whom normally cries and during these 8 days of being in hospital I cried a lot, I cried for hours some days.

My best-friend was in Hamilton where we both lived at the time, and I was in Whangarei because that is where the surgery was, because when I started the process I lived in Whangarei and there was no way that I was transferring the surgery because there was a change that if I did that the new DHB that I would be under would say look but sorry we cant do the surgery, so I just said I was still in Whangarei, because there was no way that I was not having that surgery, the dates were originally set for the 13th December 2016, but then at the end of November I got the phone call that I was hoping would never come, and that was to tell me that they had to change the dates, because they had to operate on someone with cancer and to be honest that was heartbreaking for me as I was so excited to have it finally coming up, but then at the same time the other persons was life and death as mine was not, I had helped give that person a better life. My best-friend was always right there at the end of a text, Facebook message, or phone call I am so thankful that even though she was not able to be there in person, she was still right there with me throughout the whole thing, I will also never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me in that time.

Photos from the surgery, This is the first time I have shared these photos publicly

 

** I had asked a dear friend of mine to write me a little something about how she has seen me change over the last year, she has been there a lot for me, and i thank her from the bottom of my heart. Bron Jenkins wrote the below about me, and I found it to be so very touching and so special, to be honest until I read this I was not aware of how special i was, nor the impact that I had on her, I am so thankful that we have the friendship that we do. Bron I love you so much..

 

Michelle has asked me to write a little about her journey over the past year, but all I can do is write from my perspective.

Let me first tell you how I met Michelle.  I met her in a previous job.  This loud young lady came walking into my workplace for an interview to get on a course I was running.  A colleague who knew her told me that although she had more than her share of issues, she was a ‘lovely wee girl’ and I should give her a chance…. I had already decided I was going to but that was just the confirmation I needed to take on this livewire.  Boy, what a challenge I was in for, and one of the hardest parts of my job was having to say goodbye to her when she left 😦

Anyway, walking into the hospital room after her surgery that day, I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly did not expect to find her deathly pale and her boobs looking like she had gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson!  I have to say I was more than a little concerned after she told me she had been rushed back in to Theatre a few hours after surgery as her bleeding hasn’t stopped and they were not sure she would not have to go back again (which she did).  Her Dad came in and while the surgeons were chatting to Michelle, I got the privilege of chatting to her Dad in the hallway as he was none too keen on the hospital environment, let alone with doctors in a tiny room hovering over his daughter with a multitude of machines and tubes everywhere!

Michelle had wanted this surgery for SO long, she had worked hard to do what the surgeons had asked of her, one, to stop smoking and two, to lose 10kgs.  Michelle achieved this (and more, she lost 20 kgs!!) and went in feeling pretty nervous but confident and happy she was finally getting the surgery she so desperately needed.  With double J breasts, life was a pain, literally!

Recovery has been a massive challenge for Michelle, because of the complications I think she found life got quite complicated, difficult  and totally not what she expected… no fairy-tale ending here…yet!  I can only speak from my perspective but I think this had a huge emotional effect on Michelle over the first few months with a lot of ups when she was feeling good and a lot of very, very dark downs.  She has managed to work through (and continues to do so) these with some awesome supportive friends and whanau.

I have to say, the amount of positive growing and learning Michelle has done on herself over the past year has been massive.  She really has blossomed and although she still struggles at times with life (don’t we all), she has become a strong independent women who knows what she wants and really goes for it.  She has a freedom that others would envy and the confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

HAPPY BOOBIVERSARY!!  Hang in there, the journey is not over yet and the best is yet to come!

Love you lots my girl! xxxoooxxx