Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Best-Friend, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Godchildren, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Warmth, Year, Young

One Year Since Surgery!

It has now been a year since I had my breast reduction, and what a year it has been!

Today Also marks a year since I almost died twice because of internal bleeding and that was really scary for me and all the people that love me, too think that I could have passed away and not had the opportunity to be able to share my story with you all, all I have ever wanted to do by sharing my story is to help/ inspire someone,just one person, I hope that all the people that have read my story have been touched in some way, or that it has related to them or someone that they know.

When I went to the hospital the day of surgery (9th February 2017) I was so super excited because it was finally the day that my life was going to change in so many ways, but never did I think it would change in as many ways as it did, Having not only one but two near death experiences changes so much for a person, it also changes so much for all that are involved with that persons care, all the people that love that person, it does not only impact that person that is going through it. My surgeon had never had to go back and operate on anyone before, little lone go back twice, and to be honest with you I am so thankful that it was the same surgeon all three times that I had operated on, I trusted her with everything, my life was one of those things that I trusted her with, and if I was faced with this again I would put the same amount of trust in her, she is an amazing surgeon and I could not have asked for anyone better.

I remember so clearly almost like it was just today that it happened, how I was laying in recovery after the surgery feeling so relieved that I had finally had the surgery done, after waiting almost 2 years since I had started the process of the surgery, and then the surgeon come in and told me that they had to rush me back in before it was to late, I just cried, and thought to myself this is not how it is meant to go, I was meant to be in and out, have a few days in hospital until the drains come out and then I would be able to head home and start that recovery process round the people that loved me, but things did not go as planned, and that really crashed me. The nurse asked me if there was anyone one that I wanted to call when Theatre was being prepped and I said yes please, I need to call my best-friend and let her know what is happening, the nurse was going to get the phone for me, when another nurse come in and told me that there was no time for me to make that call things were getting worse and if I was not taken back now that I would die, so I told them not to call anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell people and I did not want to freak anyone out, but little did I know nor think that having not contacted my best-friend that she would get weird that she had not heard from me yet, she knew that something had gone wrong because of the fact that I did not make contact after about 7 hours.

Just as I thought that thing’s were starting to look up something changed and I was told at 4:30am on Friday the 10th February 2017 once again that they had to rush me back to Theatre because of internal bleeding, so I was heading back for my third lot of surgery, and something I was not fully aware of at the time was when I went back for the first time, I need to have a blood transfusion, and the same again this time around, I was honestly so scared, I thought that I was going to die, and if it was not for the surgeon and her team, and also all the amazing people that donate blood then I would have died and that is something that I often think about, I try not to think of it but it does often pop in to my head.

Then later that night I had my dad, stepmother and a couple of friends visit me, I was not 100% there, but I was happy to see people that I knew and that cared about me, and then the shock hit again when a nurse came in to the room and said I need to talk to Michelle alone, that is once again a moment when my heart was shattered, I was thinking no way, not again. My dad was really worried he did not know what to do, I remember a good friend of mine was there at the time, her name was Bron and she helped comfort my dad, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough, when everyone had left the room and the door was shut the nurse was telling me that I was still in quite a bad way and that I may need to go back again but first they were going to try another blood transfusion and also plasma transfusion, I was honestly so scared I could not think about going back in again, I was about to just lose it, my dad, stepmother and Bron came back in to the room and asked was everything okay, I remember saying well sort of but not really this is what they are going to try and it that does not work then they are going to take me back. My dad thought that he was going to lose me, and if I am honest I thought what will he do if I do die, I cant go like this. I stayed in hospital for 8 days, in in those 8 days I was a mess I was in so much pain, I was unable to eat most of those days because I felt to unwell to eat, I could not sleep because of the pain and I could not get comfortable, I had some quite low times that I have not told very many people that I had, I wanted to kill myself many times, I even asked some of the nurses if they could over dose me, because I could not handle it anymore, it was such a dark time for me, I am not someone whom normally cries and during these 8 days of being in hospital I cried a lot, I cried for hours some days.

My best-friend was in Hamilton where we both lived at the time, and I was in Whangarei because that is where the surgery was, because when I started the process I lived in Whangarei and there was no way that I was transferring the surgery because there was a change that if I did that the new DHB that I would be under would say look but sorry we cant do the surgery, so I just said I was still in Whangarei, because there was no way that I was not having that surgery, the dates were originally set for the 13th December 2016, but then at the end of November I got the phone call that I was hoping would never come, and that was to tell me that they had to change the dates, because they had to operate on someone with cancer and to be honest that was heartbreaking for me as I was so excited to have it finally coming up, but then at the same time the other persons was life and death as mine was not, I had helped give that person a better life. My best-friend was always right there at the end of a text, Facebook message, or phone call I am so thankful that even though she was not able to be there in person, she was still right there with me throughout the whole thing, I will also never be able to thank her enough for all that she did for me in that time.

Photos from the surgery, This is the first time I have shared these photos publicly

 

** I had asked a dear friend of mine to write me a little something about how she has seen me change over the last year, she has been there a lot for me, and i thank her from the bottom of my heart. Bron Jenkins wrote the below about me, and I found it to be so very touching and so special, to be honest until I read this I was not aware of how special i was, nor the impact that I had on her, I am so thankful that we have the friendship that we do. Bron I love you so much..

 

Michelle has asked me to write a little about her journey over the past year, but all I can do is write from my perspective.

Let me first tell you how I met Michelle.  I met her in a previous job.  This loud young lady came walking into my workplace for an interview to get on a course I was running.  A colleague who knew her told me that although she had more than her share of issues, she was a ‘lovely wee girl’ and I should give her a chance…. I had already decided I was going to but that was just the confirmation I needed to take on this livewire.  Boy, what a challenge I was in for, and one of the hardest parts of my job was having to say goodbye to her when she left 😦

Anyway, walking into the hospital room after her surgery that day, I didn’t know what to expect and I certainly did not expect to find her deathly pale and her boobs looking like she had gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson!  I have to say I was more than a little concerned after she told me she had been rushed back in to Theatre a few hours after surgery as her bleeding hasn’t stopped and they were not sure she would not have to go back again (which she did).  Her Dad came in and while the surgeons were chatting to Michelle, I got the privilege of chatting to her Dad in the hallway as he was none too keen on the hospital environment, let alone with doctors in a tiny room hovering over his daughter with a multitude of machines and tubes everywhere!

Michelle had wanted this surgery for SO long, she had worked hard to do what the surgeons had asked of her, one, to stop smoking and two, to lose 10kgs.  Michelle achieved this (and more, she lost 20 kgs!!) and went in feeling pretty nervous but confident and happy she was finally getting the surgery she so desperately needed.  With double J breasts, life was a pain, literally!

Recovery has been a massive challenge for Michelle, because of the complications I think she found life got quite complicated, difficult  and totally not what she expected… no fairy-tale ending here…yet!  I can only speak from my perspective but I think this had a huge emotional effect on Michelle over the first few months with a lot of ups when she was feeling good and a lot of very, very dark downs.  She has managed to work through (and continues to do so) these with some awesome supportive friends and whanau.

I have to say, the amount of positive growing and learning Michelle has done on herself over the past year has been massive.  She really has blossomed and although she still struggles at times with life (don’t we all), she has become a strong independent women who knows what she wants and really goes for it.  She has a freedom that others would envy and the confidence to stand up for what she believes in.

HAPPY BOOBIVERSARY!!  Hang in there, the journey is not over yet and the best is yet to come!

Love you lots my girl! xxxoooxxx

Advertisements
Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

The Movie “BROKEN” How It Made Me Feel..

“Death comes for us all. But the Question Is: Are you ready when it comes?”

Link to the Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yhke8cgrarU

I don’t really know how to start this or even what to write.. But here goes……..

Yesterday the 6th February 2017 I went and watched the movie “Broken” Oh my it was by far the best movie I have seen, very touching, and made me think a lot about so many things, but one thing I thought about the most was the impact that suicide will have on the people that are closest to me, thank you for that special insight. I cried though a lot of this movie. One person from City Impact Church (Whom bought this movie out) that has helped me a lot through my dark times and spaces, I’m not actually sure they know how much they had an impact on my life and have helped me in my life is Mary Kath Laita, and for that I owe a lot to her. Thank you Mary Kath Laita, I would not be where I am if it was not for your help and support..

Something else the movie has helped me with and helped me realize is that giving up one of my dreams to be in the relationship that I am in now with my partner, I have given up having children of my own for as long as I am with my partner for more then one reason, some of those reasons are my partner not being able to have children and another reason is that because of my partners age they are unsure if they could bring a child up, so there is no adopting or anything like that, it was a really big decision that I have made, and there is no way that I made that decision lightly, it was really hard for me, but the love that I have for my partner is a lot greater than anyone could have ever seen, there has been challenges in getting to where we are today as partners. Getting back to what else this amazing movie has helped me with is seeing some sort of light in giving the dream of having children up, the pain that Logan “the dad in the movie” felt when Tori “the daughter” was killed was hard to see, and made me some what thankful that I will never have to worry about ever feeling that pain, in some ways that is hard for me in its self but at the same time it is a big relief.

The part that hit me the most would have to be the part at the Funeral when Jess gets up and tells everyone how the night that Tori was killed, that Tori had actually saved Jess’s life because Jess had planned to kill herself that night, it hit me as hard as it did for more than one reason, one of those reasons is because one of the youth at the youth group that i attended and went on to be a leader at, she committed suicide a few years ago, she was only 15, she was such a bright, beautiful young women and I know that it impacted a lot of people, she is missed so much, if only she knew how many people cared about her, and that were always there for her no matter what, one of the other things is because of the amount of times that I have not only thought about killing myself but also the amount of times that I have attempted to kill myself, sometimes I find myself asking how it is that I am still alive? don’t get me wrong I am so happy, thankful and blessed to still be alive, but honestly the amount of pills I have taken I should have died but I am still here and I cant begin to tell you what that means to me for me to still be alive and to be able to sit here and be able to be writing this and hopefully helping someone, just one person that had sat there and thought of suicide or the person that is sitting here reading this at the time that they are thinking about suicide, if that is you, please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know that it may not seem that way right now, but i have been in that place where i could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now here I am and I can see that light, I suffer from depression, I still have my days that are bad, i still sometimes think of ending it, but I am also at that point where I know that there are people that care and that would be destroyed if anything happened to me, I also have ways to get through that hurt and pain without turning to trying to hurt myself/ kill myself. there are so many helplines that are there to help you and support you, some of the ones that are here in New Zealand are: Youth-line: 0800 376 633, or Free text Youth-line on 234, Depression-line: 0800 111 757, Mental Health Line: 0800 881 747, this is just some of the places that are here to help and support you…

I actually remember a phone call that I got from my dad to tell me that one of his friends children was dead, I asked him how, what happened and I knew as soon as my dad went quite, he did not really want to tell me how they had died, but I knew from the silence what had happened but i wanted to hear it out of my dad’s mouth, he started to get all teary eyed and told me that he had killed himself, and I was crushed, i felt for his friends, and family but mostly for his parents, (his mother was always there when i was at my low points, when i was thinking of killing myself.) The next words out of my dad’s mouth crushed me even more, my dad started to cry and said to me I am so glad that it was not one of my children, and I know that all three of dads children have been in that dark place, in that place where we have thought what is the point, that things would be so much better if we were no longer alive.

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Smiling For No Reason, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Young

First blog for 2018

4baa6b100b03d1d1f07ddbc1bbf47ff2--lessons-learned-life-lessons

I have not been round much in the last few months, that is because I have had so much on my mind, and plate, things have been a bit up and down a bit like a roller coaster, one of the things that has been impacting me the most is the death of my granddad, it has been 17 months but most days it still feels like it was just yesterday, it hits me so hard some days where I get to the point where I feel like I am unable to breathe, I sit here wishing that I could see you that one last time,give you that one last hug, tell you want you mean to me, but that is not possible, well I can tell you what you mean to me, it just wont be face to face. I am not one that normally cries, but a few nights ago, I lay with my partner and we were talking and my granddad came up and I fully just started to cry, i was just so happy that when i did start crying that i was in the arms of the love of my life, Thank you to my partner for being there for me, I would be so lost without you babe, I am so very blessed to have you in my life, I don’t even remember falling asleep that night.

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Future, Happy Tears, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, No Words Can Explain, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

Exactly how I feel

This is exactly how it is right now, I can officially say that we both feel the same way I love you so much. I’m not scared to say now. 
Im in love with you, I can’t stop thinking about you, Everytime I think of you, I get butterflies, I wish I could be with you all the time, I think of doing things with you that I can’t say. I love you so much. F**k everything that is stopping us from being together. I loved the kiss I got from you, I just wish I got more than that, I wanted to passionately kiss you back, I wish we had more time to spend with one and other, I smile everytime that you pop in to my head, I just can’t help it, I can’t help how much I love you. I really look forward to when I come down, we will have abit more time to get to know one and other more, I know what I know, and feel. I love you more than anyone can know. I have never felt like this about anyone before, its so strong for me..

I often question why it’s you that my heart skips a beat for, and what others will think, but you know what, I really don’t care what others think, I care to much about you to care what others think of it. Its almost like I’m obsessed with you, I want to be close to you all the time, I want to be able to cuddle you on cold nights, keep each other warm, I want you to be the person whose shoulder I can cry on when feeling low, I want you to be the one that I walk down the street with, holding hands, the one that im with until we are grey and old.                       ☝️️☝️☝

️The above was written before I went on holiday. Yes before you ask this person is the reason that I went to Wellington. 

👇👇👇

Now that I have been down and spent the week with you I know 💯% that I was indeed right with everything that I felt before I came down. 

I enjoyed every moment that I had with you, I did not know I could feel most of the feelings that I feel when I think of you, or when I’m there next to you, with me getting to know you that much  and you getting to know me that  much more. I look forward to seeing what lays in the future for is both, and where this leads us, yes I’m scared but it’s the best scared feeling, my heart skips a beat everytime I think of you of see your amazing face. I am so blessed that we both feel the same way about one and other. Thank you for trusting me enough to even give us a go. I love you to the moon and back. Miss you,more than anyone would understand,not even I understand. ❤️😍😘❤️😍😘

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Find, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Last letter ever, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Walking, Warmth, Year

I can’t believe that you have been gone a year already. 

I sit here thinking of how blessed I am, yes yesterday (8.8.17) has been extremely hard, being a year since we lost my granddad, I had to laugh earlier when I was looking back at photos of my granddad and I, when I was 4 years old, its truly hard to believe that they were taken 21 years ago, it does not feel like it was that long ago that my dad took me to Christchurch, I saw snow,the best memory of then was feeding the ducks with my granddad. I have this one photo of my granddad and I feeding the ducks and in that photo you can see how much love granddad had for us. I was blessed to have him be part of my life for as long as I had him. 

I remember when my family drove from Whangarei to Christchurch to see you, we stopped at every zoo along the way, and when we got to Christchurch nana and granddad took us everywhere, remember going to his favorite beach and collecting pinecones, so that they weren’t cold over winter, they were his fire starters.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because I use to picture getting married, I would have granddad to be the one that would walk me down the aisle and give me away,although that will not be happening, im happy because I know that his is no longer in pain, both physical and mental pain. 
The day of the funeral we went to his favorite beach, photo below.. 

Granddad has been gone for a year now, but he will be forever in the hearts of all the people that he came in contact with, thats the type of guy he is.. Everyone loved you granddad.

Lastnight I called the rest home that nana and granddad were in before he pasted, nana is still there, I wanted to make sure that nana was doing ok, being the one year anniversary of granddad passing away, the stuff that I spoke to were really nice, they said that nana was doing really well, nana speaks about granddad alot at the rest home,and about what a lovely person he was, the staff love her, they say that she is such a beautiful person and she has a kind heart, just as granddad did. 

Well I right this blog I am fighting the tears, I know that its a healthy thing to cry, but I feel like I may never stop if I start and that is a scary and hard place to be in. I feel like im so broken at the moment, like ive been shattered in to a million pieces. I have felt that way ever since I got that call from my dad to say that granddad had passed away, I got that call on the (9 August 2016) so that marks one year today since I found out, I tried to be so strong I said to myself, you can’t cry, you have to be strong for your father. I was driving back to my best friends house when I got the call, I did not want to talk to my dad at that time because of some of the stuff that had happened between him and I the week before, and when I got back to my best friends place I got a message on Facebook from my stepsister saying that I had to call my dad asap, never did I think that he would be calling to tell me that granddad had passed away, when I got off the phone my best friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay? And I said yes I am, and then just broke down and just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me, in what I did. 

My best friend did this photo shoot with the bear that I had made out of my granddads shirt. I cant thank my friend enough for what she did for me yesterday (8.8.17) It bought tears to my eyes, that she did this for me, my bestie is always doing things for me. 

Posted in 110%, 2k11, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Family, Find, Friends, Funeral, Happy Tears, Hard, Heartbroken, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Uncle, Walking, Warmth, Year

Letter to granddad

Dear Granddad, 

I know you cant read this… But here we go anyway.

Your not here with us, but that does not change the way that we love you, nothing can ever change that, I just want to make sure that you knew how much we loved you, With every single breathe I take, I am full of regret and heart break, I remember in 2011 dad told us to come down to Christchurch to see you because this would be the last time we would ever see you, never did I believe that would be the way it was, you lived 5 years longer but it was still the last time I ever saw you alive, and I hurt so much, I did not want to have the heart break of you not knowing who I was,it was not your fault tho, I focused on the wrong things and I wish that I would have seen this sooner, when uncle paul passed away I told myself after sitting there for 4 years wanting to find him and make a relationship with him, but I was so scared of what my family would think of me if I did, I also did not know where to start to find him, so I did nothing then dad told me paul had passed away, I said I will not make that same mistake with granddad and then what do I go and do, I stuff it all up and do the exact same thing. I hope that you can forgive me, I did not do it to hurt anyone, I loved you so much, and I still do. 

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, All Or Nothing, Cant stop the tears, Death, Double J, Family, Fitbit, Friends, Funeral, Hard, Honesty, Journey, Love., Mindfulness, Open, Proud, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year

How fast this last year has gone. 

This last year has gone so fast, I sit here think about everything that has happened in the last year, where do I start.

Cant believe its been a year since we lost you granddad. Even well typing this out I sit here crying, I remember the day I got that phone call like it was yesterday. I love you so much granddad… 

  1. This time last year my father and I had a disagreement, and stopped talking for abit, I was so upset with what he said about me, and to me, too the point that a week later (8.8.16) when my father called me I did not answer the call I was still really upset, my bestie told me that I should call him back, I flipped out and went mental at her, like um wtf, he said the nastiest stuff to me, im not calling him, then my stepsister messaged me and told me that I needed to call dad asap, I was still quite upset with what he had said to me, but I called him, I was so rude to him, with an attitude I asked him what he wanted, he then went on to tell me that my granddad had just passed away, I could not believe it, noooooo, my granddad cant be died, I got off the ph amd just burst in to tears, I did not want to accept it, I had not seen my granddad since September 2011.
  2. I had to go to winz to see if they could help me to get to the funeral, $500 later to fly to chch and back, I am so glad that I could make it, I cried so much on the flight down there, went to the viewing of granddads body, he looked so peaceful and like he was just sleeping, I looked at my dad, and my dad was getting all teary eyed, I habe neber seen my dad like this,(in so much pain), hes always been the strong one,it was so hard to see him like that, and I just lost it I broke down, my brother then came over and just hugged me. 
  3. I was looking for a new place to move.
  4. Thinking of surgery.
  5. Had surgery.
  6. Got a job.
  7. Moved in to the place im in now.
  8. Became a God mother for the second time.

So much more has happened in that time also, these are just some key points.