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Granddads birthday 🎉💕😭

Granddad Your birthday was yesterday (16 March)
I tell you this, I did not expect to be sitting here remembering you like this, and thinking how much I miss you and that I just wish you were still here. I know that you had an amazing life well you were here, and I know how blessed I am to have known you for 24 years, you are the most amazing man. And I know that you would want me to be happy, and to remember all the good things and that’s exactly what I’m doing, I’m remembering the best times that I had with you, I just wish that there were so many more. But that’s OK granddad we all know how much you loved us, and how you still do, and we know that you knew how much we loved you and still do.
I remember this time last year for you birthday, I called you at the rest home to wish you a happy birthday, you were so happy to hear from me, yes you were a bit confused but I explained who it was, and you told me how much of a good girl I was and how much you loved me. It’s the 1st birthday of yours that you are not hear for and it has been hard, there will be alot of firsts in the years to come but what I promise you is that I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you. I will cherish every memory I have of you, and the stuff I have that you made and the bear I had made out of one of your shirts after you passed away, I’m sitting here well remembering things about you, I have the teddy sitting in my lap well crying, but that’s OK, right? Well you know what it’s not really up to anyone else to judge, I’m doing what I need to do.
Something that has just made me smile is remembering when dad bought me down to christchurch to see you and Nana when I was four, because back then you could fly for free until you turned 5 years old, so dad and I came to see you and it was snowing when we came, I remember dad and I went to play outside in the snow and we had a snow fight and dad thought he was smart and went inside when I was going to throw a snowball at him, and you know what I still throw it and it went all over the floor inside, haha oops I know now that I should not have thrown it when dad was coming in.
I remember how you loved gardening your gardens were always so perfect, just like you, you are perfect granddad. It’s been almost 7 and a half months since we lost you granddad, well I know you are still here and not lost but I’m sure you know what I mean, I feels like I have just had that call from dad telling me the sad news, telling me that you had passed away, I did not want to believe it, I did not want to accept it, I wanted them to be wrong, dad really held it together, I was so proud of how well he did. When we came to the viewing before the funeral it was so hard I wanted to be the one that was strong for dad, because I knew that it was hard for him, I have never seen dad the way that I saw him on that day, he was so broken and lost, and that just broke me to see that, I’m thankful that dad felt that he could be that way with us kids around.
The poem that Damion wrote for you that I read out at the funeral sums you up perfectly, I think about it and I smile with all the memories, that we have of you.
It was good to remember all the things that happened in life, and to learn things about you. You really were an amazing wood turner and carver, you have made the most beautiful things and I have been blessed with some of the stuff that you made.
You will always be here with us, but there is a part of me that is missing and I feel so empty with out it. Love you.

I hope that the tattoo that I got for you is everything that you would like, the arch way from your garden that I got one year after you pasted away and yesterday I got some carnations added to it, because they were you favorite flower. I love the tattoo so much, it reminds me of you. I love you so so much.

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Posted in 110%, 2k17, 2K19, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Lost, Lost Over 40kg, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Year, Young

Today is 2 years!!!

Today marks 2 years since I had surgery, how has my life changed since then you ask me. Well I have overcome things that no one I know has over come. I over come not one but three surgery’s all with in 18 hours, I sat there when I came two from the first surgery which was two hours after they had finished the 6 hour surgery I was having and I thought about how happy I was that this day had finally come just to have the surgeon come in and tell me that I was being rushed back in to theatre and that they did not have time for me to contact anyone, that is when everything hit me and gosh did it hit me hard, it was not how this was meant to go, but like they always say every surgery has risks, but never in my life did I think those things would ever happen to me, I remember thinking that it will be someone else that has this happen to them, not that I would ever want anything like that to happen to anyone, but there was no way that it could happen to me, I accepted or at least I thought I had accepted that fact that it had happened to me and I was being rushed back to theatre, well that was of course until 4am the next morning when I was still in extreme pain but its to be expected after such a huge surgery right?!, but no that was not the case at all, the fact of it all was I had internal bleeding and the surgeon was on her way in to operate for the third time, I remember laying in that hospital bed, thinking how, why me, and then the nurse asked me if there was anything I needed or wanted before I was taken back to theatre and my only reply was ”I need you to take a photo so I can see how babd it really is” so she took a photo on my phone and by God I have never had my heart sink as much as that moment that I got given my phone back and I looked at that photo, I started crying, I had no one there at the hospital with me, I didn’t want to call anyone because not only was it 4am but I did not want to scare anyone, because normally when someone calls at that hour of the night/morning it is never good news, let’s face it, no one ever wants to receive a phone call at that hour of the night and I understand why that is, I would hate to get a phone call at that hour of the night. So I thought to myself, there is no one that would appreciate having a phone call at that time, so off I went to theatre with no one knowing what was happening with me and me freaking out a bit about what was happening. But I knew that I could get through this, I knew that deep down I was strong enough to get through anything, I had done so much to get to this point, I had changed so much of how I lived my life just so I could get this life changing surgery, there was nothing that could get in the way of me having this surgery, this surgery was definitely a once in a life time thing, it is not everyday that you get accepted for the Government to pay for this surgery, with it not being a life and death surgery there are only limited spaces for this type of surgery, unless of course you had the money to pay for it yourself, the government only pays for 3 cases a year, and I got that opportunity to be able to have this surgery that I knew would change my life forever and I worked my ass of to get that yes, I got told I didn’t meet the requirements to get the surgery from the first surgeon, so I asked my gp for refer me back because I wanted a second opinion. And I waited for almost a year for that second opinion, and that year felt like forever but I knew somewhere deep down that everything would work out, one way or another. If the second surgeon also said no then I would accept that and get on with my life some how knowing that I did fit the requirements for getting that surgery but not everyone can get help with things like that, but I was not going to accept one surgeons decision, so I got a second surgeon’s opinion.

I was trying to think of a way that I could celebrate the last two years, and what I thought would be cool was to get a massive number 2 balloon and fill it with helium and that I was going to write a few things on it and let it go.

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Just as everything seems so perfect.

Just as everything is so perfect

Just as everything seems so perfect, everything gets turned on it’s face and I start going on a downward spiral and fast.

I am the happiest I have been in so long, I have found the love of my life, the person that I plan to spend the rest of my life with, I got engaged on the 31st Oct 2018 and it was the happiest day of my life, my Fiancee has made me the happiest person alive that moment that she said YES, I want to spend the rest of my life with you also, but for the last couple of months I seem to be slowly falling to pieces, I don’t know how I can be the happiest person alive and still be sitting here depressed and having suicidal thoughts, thinking my fiancee would be better off without me in her life, even tho every single day she tells me how much she loves me, and that she couldn’t imagine life without me nor does she ever want to and I am the same I would be lost without her. I love her and my two step children with all of my heart, I love her kids like they were my own.

I am so blessed and find it so amazing that we can have such a bond that is truly unbreakable, I have moments (Don’t we all) but some of my moments end in people getting upset and it’s not just me that is upset, is slam car door so hard that I am surprised that anyone one would want to be near me little lone love me.

Kat is such a beautiful loving, kind, caring women and I don’t deserve and angel like Kat.

Kat has accepted parts of me that not even I can accept, I won’t go in to deal about what those parts of me are, but I Definitely don’t find myself to be slim or anything near that, in fact I am chubby and I am hating it and know that I can get myself back to a place that I am happy with the size I am, Kat is always tell me how beautiful I am, and that helps but at the same time I don’t see that so I sometimes shut her down when she says that as I don’t see nor believe what she is saying but I know with all of my heart that Kat would never tell me something that she didn’t believe nor see. She is so so in love with me and I am so crazy in love with her and can’t believe that I am going to get married, if I’m honest I never thought I would find love or happiness.

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Feeling SAD and LOST

I dont even know how to put my words on to paper……        …….But here goes…….
Over the last month or so I have been quite sad and lost, It feels like I am losing the people that I care about the most, I feel like I am so distant from the people that love me the most and that I love the most and that hurts, I am so in love with my partner, she is the most amazing partner, she treats me like I am a queen and I dont deserve to be treated this amazing (I know people are going to disagree) I have been feeling like our relationship is a bit off and I know that it is me, I have been pushing her away, I am so scared and I know that it is the wrong thing to do.
Date night last Thursday with this stunning woman, The love of my life my one and only, the person I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with. I love you so much babe and hope for many, many more date nights like this one. (We went and watched Hereditary) So excited to be going to the movies with my babe.
Our date was so perfect, after our movie we drove the long way home and went round the beach front and looked at the beautiful reflections. We had the best night.
I love Kat with everything that I have, every breathe I take is worth so much more now that Kat is in my life. I am so thankful that I meet Kat, I must say “ I really did not think that it would end like this, I never thought that we would ever be able to be in a partnership, but yet here I am… Happy in love. “
Kat has bought a new meaning to my life.

I really love this photo of Kat and I. This was taken a couple of weeks ago. Xxoxx

Posted in 110%, 2k16, 2k17, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Best-Friend, Black Sheep, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Fitbit, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Granddad, Hard, Heartbroken, Heavenly, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Teddy, Thankful, Travel, Walking, Warmth, Year, Young

Its been a rough few weeks

The last few weeks have been quite the challenge for me, I have noticed that my depression has started to come back, I have been having pain in my breasts and also have had infected Cysts in other parts of my body, have also been waking up with headaches, not really knowing why, When I was younger (Approx 10 years ago) I had this same thing happening where i would wake up with bad headaches i had so many tests done and still no one could tell me wheat was going on, I know most people would be thankful of them not finding anything, in what I am, but then at the same time I am not, I wish that they did find something because then i would know what it is I am dealing with and what things I need to change.

I have a fit bit to help me stay active and motivated, but to be honest as of late, I have not even  been able to make it to the small goal i have set of 7000 Steps, some days I’d be lucky to even get to 1500 and I am finding that is not good for me, as I keep telling myself that I need to go back to the days that i could get to 15,000 or more with no issues.

On the 2nd May it marked 9 years since my stepdads dad passed away, he was like a granddad to me, I honestly cant believe that it has been 9 years, he passed away the opening day of duck shooting 2009, and then on the 10th May, we last someone else in our family, My Niece passed away, this world is not fair, so i know that this week for my family is going to be a hard one, One thing i want my family to know it with the support of one and other we can get through this hard time.

 

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MEMORY TREE, FOR ALL THE BABIES THAT ARE GONE TO SOON.

 

I have also been thinking a lot about my Granddad that pasted away on the 8th August 2016, I think it really hit me again on the 24th April Because that is my dads birthday and it was the second one without Granddad, The first birthday without granddad, I made sure that my dad got something so special, It could not have been any more special, I gave a teddy bear that I had made from one of my Granddads shirts to my dad, I know that it would have been hard for my dad but I also know that it meant the world to my dad to get that as a gift, and still does mean the world to him… I love my Granddad with everything that I have in my body, and that will never change…. It will be okay… XXOOXX

 

 

Posted in 110%, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Double J, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Last letter ever, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Proud, Remembrance, Sad, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Young

Three in One

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         When you find out you are not as ready as you thought  to give something up!! 

I really thought I had gotten to a place of acceptance, knowing I had given up the dream of having children, I was okay knowing that in my current relationship, that having children was not something I could do/have for a number of reasons, but today it has occurred to me how wrong I was thinking that it was something I was okay with, the moment I walked in to that house and the 13 day old baby was there my heart melted, it jumped out of my body, my heart was that gorgeous baby’s, I needed her in my life, I needed to be able to give that baby my love. I don’t think that I realized how much I was going to give up, I was not just giving up on a dream, or having a child, I was giving up a big part of me, can I really give it up? I love Kat so much that I really did think I could give it up, but after today I am really re thinking all of that, it has hit me so hard, seeing a child so tiny and in need.

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When you lose someone that you did not realize meant so much!!!

So today the 1st April 2018 I went to work and it was just like any other day at work, happy customers came and went, we were quite a bit busier than a normal Sunday, it was all ticking along until the manager come to me and said “You remember the two older customers that come every single week, my reply ” yes, the ones that always sit at table 1, he always brings his red wine, and she always has an apple juice?” She said “Yes, that is the ones, well he passed away last week” I was, and still am really crushed and quite sad, because I tell you this, they were one of the nicest customers, always so lovely, he would pay in cash every week and she would get the change, it was really quite cute, I am still in shock and kind of think no surely not, surely he is not dead. I will definitely miss the two of them coming in every week.

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Pain that keeps getting worse and worse.

The pain has been getting worse everyday that goes on, I am still not 100% sure on what is causing it, have been to the doctors and have been prescribed 800mg ibuprofen with no effect. Doctors are a little worried that the medication that I have been prescribed, but they can’t give me much more for the pain, so back to the specialist, and find out exactly what it is. Doctors think they know what is causing all the pain, They think that it is Cysts. Please just keep me in your thoughts. I just want the pain to go away, or at least get smaller, because at the moment all that is happening is everyday it is getting worse and worse and it’s getting to a pain where I ask myself how much more/ longer can I take. Have a doctor’s appointment next Thursday hopefully I can get something that can help me with this pain

Posted in 110%, 2k12, 2k18, Acceptance, All Or Nothing, Blessed, Cant stop the tears, Change, Children, Death, Emotional, Family, Find, Finding Me, Free, Friends, Funeral, Future, Hard, Heartbroken, Heavenly, Help, Honesty, Journey, KAT, Lost, Love., Mindfulness, No Shame, No Words Can Explain, Open, Pain, Remembrance, Sad, Selfish, Sharing, Speaking, Strength, Success, Thankful, Warmth, Year, Young

6 Years today my little one.

Today marks 6 Years since my heart was ripped out of my body and crushed it to a million tiny pieces, I remember this day like it had just happened, I had been to my doctor a few weeks before finding out that you were gone, When i went to the doctor the only reason I had gone was because I had been bleeding for 3 weeks by this time, I knew that was not right, all I knew was that i was bleeding the doctor did nothing other than to tell me to keep an eye on it, 3 weeks later I went to the hospital and the first thing they asked me was “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?” And my answer was “HELL NO” The nurse then says to me “you answered that fast, is there a reason that you answered so fast?” I replied and said “Well yes there is a reason, I just cant be.” She told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test and you know what sure as shit it came back as a POSITIVE and i freaked out, but by this time it was to late, So I found out that i was pregnant and also that I was losing the baby all at the same time, I did not know what I was meant to do, As far back as I can remember I have wanted to have children, I was destroyed. The day I can remember saying to myself that i wanted to have children was the day that I meet my first niece, she was the smallest and most beautiful thing I had seen, I was 8 years old when I became an Aunty and oh my I tell you I was so happy, I wanted to hold her all the time, never wanted to give her back, LOL.

I really thought things were getting so much easier when it came to this time of the year, I had learnt how to manage, I was alone when it came to this day, so I had just decided that i was going to block this time of the year out and just try and pretend that it had never happened because that is how I knew how to deal with it all, but now that I am with Kat (My Partner) Everything has changed, So many doors that I had shut have been opening, And for the whole of last week I was finding the lead up to today to be really hard, because now i am learning that I dont need to block things like this out, because I have someone that is here to go through all the good, bad and ugly with, and I am loving having someone to go through things with, but it is also really hard for me because I have been alone for so long I dont know how to let others in when it comes to these things, but I am learning, it is taking sometime but its happening.

I was doing okay today and then Kat and I went to the school to pick up Kat’s 9 year old Daughter and things were okay to start with then it all kind of just hit me, and i got all teary eyed and Kat asked me what was wrong but by this point i was so stuck and I was unable to talk because I did not want to just lose it and not be able to stop the tears, but the thing that got me the most was the fact that I should have been picking up My own 5 and a half year old up from school, but that was ripped away from me and I had no choose about it, nor did I even know that I was even growing that beautiful, Prefect little being, until it was to late and they were already gone, I could not do anything but feel like I had let my child down by not even knowing that it was there. I just sit here and hope that even though I did not know that I was growing this prefect being that they know that I loved it, when I found out, and that if I had not lost the child that they would have been the most loved and cared for child. Mummy Loves you HEAVENLY. xxoxx

 

^^^ MY OLDEST NIECE, THIS WAS THE ANGEL I WAS BLESSED WITH WHEN I WAS 8 ^^^

I now have 4 Nieces and a Nephew and I love them all so much.